I've been thinking about imposter syndrome. My friend Samantha, who has been my biggest cheerleader and best source of advice for this project/process of publishing my book, was asking about the release date. She's ready to celebrate this book going out in the world and I was like, "Oh... should I post about it on social media?"
On the one hand, I'm really proud of having written a book, having written out the whole story and done the best I could to wrestle feelings of grief and total loss into words that didn't just show up in a blog post, but fit together in a larger narrative that has a beginning and a middle and ends by looking forward. Grief isn't linear, but you've got to find some way to tell the story, right?
But on the other hand, I'm feeling a lot of imposter syndrome about celebrating the "publication" of a book that isn't being traditionally published.
I know intellectually that this is silly. I know that the publishing industry is structured to work for capitalism, not to really reward/recognize talent. I've read (or at least started) plenty of traditionally published books that weren't that great. Also, I know a few people who have published independently and I consider them "real" writers and I absolutely respect their work. (Samantha, Heather Fleming, and Kristann Monghan all come to mind.)
I think that having spent years in grad school, published a few articles in academic journals, and worked in a profession where "publish or perish" is still very real, the idea of putting work out there without it being peer reviewed by a committee and approved by an editor feels almost like... cheating? Like I'm putting the book out there as though it is good and worth reading even though no Person of Authority has told me it is.
Who is this Person of Authority? What kind of gold star or pat on the back am I looking for her? This is nonsense!
I am still firm on my reasons for not going further to seek traditional publishing--namely, that I am not interested in building an online platform/public personality. Traditional publishing is unlike to take my book because I'm not a public figure and my topic is very, very niche. I understand this, I am fine with this, and yet I do think it's important to make my book available for that small audience who might need it/want it/appreciate it. So logically, it still all makes sense to me.
Emotionally, I've had a little bit of flailing. Still not sure whose judgment I'm afraid of! Maybe friends who have published traditionally? But... they are very nice people who also understand the market-driven formulations of traditional publishing and are quite likely to understand this decision as well. I really think this is just a monster who lives inside my head and whispers that not publishing traditionally is the same as not being good enough instead of saying independent publishing is actually the best choice for this book, given all the realities of this particular situation.
The truth is that people will read it or they won't and whatever happens, the stakes are actually not that high? I want to honor Eliza and how much I love her and how much she means to me. But also I could never write something good enough to do her justice, you know?
Despite my emotional entanglement, I'm ready to put this book out into the world. I think my struggle is about sharing and celebrating it, as though the only thing I'm allowed to celebrate is approval from other people? Do I really think that is true?
Important lesson: If I would not teach my daughters to believe that the only accomplishments worth celebrating are those that earn approval from others, then I should not believe that for myself.
So I'm taking the leap and celebrating it. Just like Zuzu in this photo:
I'm taking the final steps today to make this thing go live and I'm hoping it will happen in the next 24-48 hours.
Now that I've brain dumped some anxiety, I can get back work! Will update as soon as there is a firm release date/time.
Your "important lesson" is a very important lesson. I'm really glad to know you and proud to call you my brilliant writer friend. Your words have circled back to me in times of grief-work too many times to count.
ReplyDeleteHi, I know you don't do your Ms B advice column anymore but I wonder if you could revive it (even here in the comments?) one last time. I had a neighbor say that she didn't believe that people who couldn't have babies should be able to have 'lab babies'. My child is a baby born thanks to IVF and she knows this. What do I do? How do I continue to be civil go this person? Should I even try? She has two children close in age to my child, and my child likes playing with them. I need advice, and I don't know who else to ask. (You can feel free to not post this question and answer this anonymously, if you like - if you do choose to answer it. Thank you if you do!)
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on publishing your book!! That is amazing!! Imposter syndrome is hard; from my experience I think working in academia can make it worse. Sometimes the harshest gatekeepers are the ones living in our heads. I've been reading your blog for years; I am so excited your words will be shared with more people. You and Eliza will help even more people. What a beautiful tribute. What a wonderful gift.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, Brooke! I totally get this kind of imposter syndrome. AND agree that your "important lesson" is super important. I can't wait to read your book!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to read your book. Hang in there. <3 The process sounds agonizingly slow. -Angie
ReplyDelete"I want to honor Eliza and how much I love her and how much she means to me. But also I could never write something good enough to do her justice, you know?"
ReplyDeleteOh yes!! This. (Which is probably also why I have had all the supplies for a Katie scrapbook for more than a decade, and not a single page completed...!) But I'm glad you did it anyway, and I can't wait to read it. And give it a plug on my blog! :) And celebrate with you!