Thursday, April 16, 2020

Things Undone

I started a blogpost on Monday that was going to be a "Day in the Life" kind of entry as a memento of life in CV-19, but then right after lunch I threw up and everything went sideways from there.

I'm feeling much better, but it is scary to feel sick right now. I fell asleep right after reading an article about how yeah, maybe, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea can be the first symptom of Covid-19 for some people and my predictable sleeping brain had a very detailed and realistic dream about how I did have it and I was going to have to retrace my steps to warn everyone I had come into contact with, which was particularly complicated because I had hitch-hiked to my friend Natasha's son's birthday party. In Texas.

Anyway, I never had a fever and I am pretty sure it was something I ate (no salad for me for a while!), but still unsettling. To my guts and my brain.

I let Coco sleep through her kindergarten Zoom this afternoon. She's been less and less engaged with the Zoom meetings. Her teachers do a great job with them--they keep them to 30 minutes and the kids are actually doing things, not just watching or listening. But we all know it's not the same and I think she's feeling the same screen fatigue that I am. At least, I know that I could happily snooze on the couch for a couple of hours if everyone would just leave me the hell alone!

It's a gift to be needed. I know this. It's just the kind of gift that makes you feel a little tired and claustrophobic sometimes.

Zuzu had a social studies assignment to "research an inventor or pioneer" with links to specific sites/apps/online books. So she went to the first one, searched "inventor" per the directions and chose one of the people whose name popped up. She picked Ruby Bridges, probably because we have a book about her so she knew her story already. I would definitely consider Ruby Bridges a pioneer, so this seemed great. But then in every other post about this assignment, her teacher only mentioned "an inventor" and in the final assignment she instructed the children to be sure to give the name of the inventor and what they invented. Zuzu didn't seem to care so I decided not to care either. The academic performer in me REALLY wants to Zuzu to give more of a shit, honestly, but the actual person who is trying to work and parent and maintain a reasonable level of sanity was just thrilled that Zuzu worked her on her final project 100% on her own with zero input from me and it was all accurate. She chose to make a poster and then a video of herself telling all about the poster. Adorable.

In some ways, I feel like second grade is really tricky because she is independent enough to work the computer entirely on her own and to actually say to me with her actual voice, "I don't need you up in my business, Mom!" but she's not reading all the directions carefully and she does need a lot of guidance and reminders, so she literally DOES need her parents all up in her business. So she can't work entirely independently, but she's still old enough that I feel like she needs to be engaged with schoolwork so she doesn't fall behind.

Kindergarten feels easier. Coco is doing well with her reading and well enough with math and I am pretty sure she can coast into first grade okay even though she missed the lesson today on complementary colors.

I am sad about kindergarten, though, because it's her last year at her little Montessori school and they do so many really awesome projects and field trips with the kindergarteners, and Coco knows what's she's missing because she watched Zuzu do all of it two years ago, when she was just a three year old who, when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up always answered, "A kindergartner." And it's her last year in school with her sweet little best friend Evelyn, who has been her very best friend since they were two-year-olds in the toddler house, and they've lost these final months of being together and playing every day.

Insert obligatory acknowledgement of how privileged and lucky we are to have these problems instead of much more serious and stressful ones, but there's still a real sadness.

And I still have a lot of anxiety about big picture stuff that's totally out of my control. There are places to help where you can (I'm thinking of initiatives like this one) but this also feels like a really low moment that won't turn around fast, and an election year that will be especially weird and ugly.

All I can control in the moment is this house and the people in it, and David has made enchiladas for dinner, and Coco will definitely be staying up to watch Survivor with us since she slept all afternoon, and G will be ready for dinner and snuggles and I'm reading The Lightning Thief to Zuzu, so I'm off to soak it all up.

1 comment:

  1. "The academic performer in me REALLY wants to Zuzu to give more of a shit"

    OH MY GOD, I FEEL YOU.

    I never realised how competitive I was, academically (I mean, I was homeschooled growing up, so the only person I could really compete with was myself!), until my child went to school. She does well, and is learning loads, and enjoying herself, but...she's just not interested in being best? And this is weird? And I don't _want_ to encourage her to want to be the best, I think it's GOOD to not turn academics into a competition, but, like, shouldn't she just naturally _want_ to beat all her classmates?

    It's so weird.

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