1) Children Don't Always Live (from The New York Times). I had two blog readers send me this link. I've read the article at least five times now, and I cried the first three times I read it. It's so exactly true. This sentence particularly spoke to me: "I had a child die, and I chose to become a father again. There can be no greater definition of stupidity or bravery; insanity or clarity; hubris or grace."
2) Church Pastor: The Truth About My Late-Term Abortion. For me, this article isn't just about the presidential election or the maddening comments made in the last debate, but about the definition of motherhood and the importance of trusting women to make incredibly difficult choices about what happens to their bodies and their unborn babies. I think there is this vague notion of the "type of woman" who chooses to have an abortion, but the truth of the matter is that the vast majority of women in that position are not frolicking around trying to escape the responsibilities of motherhood with some kind of "convenient" surgery. They may in fact be bereaved mothers making an incredibly sad choice that is also the right choice for their health, their future, and their families. I don't usually get political here because I know that internet comments could make me angry and hurt my feelings (and because you all already know I'm a liberal feminist, right?) but this article really got to me. I think it tells such an important and often unspoken story.
3) I've recently signed up to be part of We Stories in St. Louis, and I think the organization and its purpose is great, but I also recognize the weirdness of affluent white families wanting to figure out how to talk to their kids about race. This essay, "How To Discuss Race As a White Person" articulates that discomfort better than I could.
Hi Brooke,
ReplyDeleteSeveral months ago, I commented on a post you had written regarding continuing to honor babies/children who have passed away. I shared that my parent's firstborn child was my sister Amanda, who had been born sleeping due to a cord issue, and how my family continues to honor her life to this day, 35 years later. I was pregnant at the time with our own daughter, our miracle after 8 long years of battling infertility. On August 15, 2016 I went in to preterm labor and our Evelyn was born at 23 wks 3 days via emergency c-section. She fought a valiant fight but in the end, was just too premature and after 8 hrs and 43 min of fighting for her life, she passed away in her daddy's loving arms. As it turns out, even though I grew up in a family that had lived through baby-loss, it doesn't mean I was prepared (nor were my parents and certainly not my husband) for the loss of our own daughter. We are just shattered. We named our sweet, precious girl Evelyn Amanda, after my sister, just another way we had already chosen (weeks before Evie's passing) to honor my sister's life and my parent's heartbreak. I don't mean for this to sound...however it may sound but do you have any "advice" for people in the throes of the loss of their child? It has only been just over 10 weeks and yet it simultaneously feels like the longest and shortest 10 weeks of our lives. We miss her so much, love her beyond words, and are struggling against the shock and disbelief that seem to ebb and flow like the tide through our waking hours. We feel so isolated from so many people in our lives, as people just don't seem to understand the depths of our grief, which is compounded by the knowledge that our chances for a biological child died right along with our Evelyn. She was due December 9 and we were so excited for this upcoming holiday season...and now, well, I'm dreading it more and more with each passing day. I feel empty and lost. Any words of encouragement or support you can provide would be much appreciated and very welcome. Thank you for sharing your Eliza with us all and for being a beacon of hope that nightmares of this magnitude can be survived, despite all evidence to the contrary, namely the brokenness of our hearts.
With thanks,
Melissa
Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of Evelyn. I imagine that you are absolutely right that being intimately familiar with the aftermath of baby loss still in no way prepares you for your own heartbreak, and I'm sorry that your family must cope with that again. The early days are dark and brutal, and I think the only way to get through them is to remind yourself that it won't always feel that way. I used websites like Glow in the Woods and Faces of Loss (both linked under Good Grief Reads) to find people who had similar experiences close to my timeline. While it helped me to read blog archives of people who were further into their grief, I also needed to find a tribe of people who were right alongside me--though it took me months to do that. All you can do is take things one day at a time. I remember so vividly dreading the holiday season without my baby (and running away to Mexico to avoid the whole thing). It is so hard, and you have to do whatever it takes to just get through one day at a time. xo
DeleteMelissa, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Evelyn. I agree that it is important to find others who understand what you are feeling on a daily basis. I read everything I could about grief and baby loss those first weeks/months. I spent days creating a baby announcement to send since most of our friends and family were far away. I wallowed and felt as awful as is humanly possible to feel and then I kept trudging one foot in front of the other, just surviving and breathing hour after hour, day by day. We avoided holidays and did what we needed at any given point. Be kind to yourself as you trudge forward. Wishing you strength and love.
DeleteMelissa, I'm so sorry.
DeleteHolding you and Evelyn close at heart, Melissa. I'm so very sorry. One thing I didn't do and wish I had was send out birth announcements (or son Cale was stillborn in 2010). It's definitely not too late for you to do so. I think 6 years is a bit late, but if you click on Julie's name above, she has beautiful announcements she sent out after her Bear was born. Just food for thought, maybe this in lieu of a holiday card, which I know will be hard.
DeleteSending love.
My wording was a bit weird there...meant six years being a tad late for me. And Julie is "Mama Bear"
DeleteMelissa, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Evie.
DeleteI am so sorry, Melissa. :( I agree with Brooke that you need to find others to lean on at this time. My Internet friends were a daily lifeline for me, but I also appreciated being able to attend a "real life" support group for bereaved parents who had been through a similar loss. It can be very hard to put yourself out there and tell your story aloud, and listen to other people tell theirs, but I would encourage you to try it, if you can find a group in your area. Private one-on-one sessions, preferably with someone who specializes in grief counselling, can also be helpful. (((hugs)))
DeleteI also loved the "Children Don't Always Live" article, in particular the part about him worrying what sort of father he would be to his second child. I like to think that I am a better mother for what I have been through, but there is no doubt that my children speak much more about death than other children.
ReplyDeleteAs for the abortion article, I have a friend who had to end a pregnancy because of life-threatening pre-eclampsia. She reached out to me because of what I had been through, and I think she felt like she wasn't allowed to grieve in the same way because she had been forced to make the decision. It angers me that women are so vilified for late-term abortions because I would guess that in almost every case, that decision is made out of mercy for the baby or mother.
I read those first two articles as well & thought they were excellent. Re: the second article -- I know for some people, losing a baby makes them very anti-abortion. For me, being faced with the possibility of having to make some very difficult choices myself (before my pregnancy ended in stillbirth) -- and then meeting other women through our support group who had walked a similar path (some choosing one fork in the road and others choosing another) -- it only made me more certain that this was a decision that should only be made by the parents and doctors involved. Certainly not politicians.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I thought a lot about this because I was adamantly pro-choice, and then I found myself in the position of wanting my unborn baby recognized as a person--a daughter--whom I loved, and I wondered if my stance had changed somewhat. But no, I still want to be able to make my own decisions about my body and my health, and for the reasons you articulate so well, I completely agree that it is a choice that should be made by parents and doctors--definitely not old white dudes in Washington.
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