We do this almost all the time anyway--pancakes or bagel for breakfast? Pink coat or blue coat? It's become almost second nature at this point, but she definitely wants to choose what she wants, and if she doesn't get a choice, she'll almost always dig in her heels and refuse.
The other thing she struggles with at school is transitions. She doesn't like coming in from outside. They've started giving her five minute warnings before they ring the bell, and she is told that she can then choose to come inside with the other students, or she will have to be the first one inside next time.
We do the same thing at the park or when we are with friends, giving a verbal warning so she knows that our time is nearly up. And we do lots of prep work on the way to the park about how she needs to leave without fuss.
I know she hears and understands this, because these are the same scenarios she recreates with her dolls or characters, or when we play Family.
So mostly these techniques work--except when they don't. And we've gotten pretty used to this kind of discussion with her, but it can be tiresome. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a negotiation with a three year old. It turns out and David and I do negotiate with terrorists.
While I want her to experience autonomy and independence, I also want to ensure that she recognizes there are some non-negotiables in this world. I mean basic social expectations like, oh, I dunno, maybe don't bite your friends on the freaking face!
I've read enough about child development and the Montessori approach to education in particular to know that blind obedience or obedience out of fear is not what you want to instill in your child, at least not if your goal is to raise a morally and ethically responsible adult. But man, it sure would make life easier sometimes. I definitely have days when I find myself wanting to say "BECAUSE I SAY SO." Or "JUST DRINK YOUR MILK OUT OF THE CUP I ALREADY POURED IT IN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD."
I want Zuzu to think for herself, and I want her to be confident and assertive. But sometimes I also want her to just do as I say without further discussion. I mean really.
But since I'm supposed to be the responsible adult here, I make sure that the choices I offer are both acceptable (to me), that the consequences for her actions are reasonable (and not terrible for me), and that she knows her behavior makes me upset when she's naughty, but I love her no matter what. Even when she's Annabel Lector.
I think most of the time David and I are in charge, but sometimes she sure gives us a run for our money.
It's so hard to decide when enough is enough! I struggle constantly with promoting M's independence vs. just act like a human being NOW!
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister.
DeleteIt does get easier. George was a handful and was (is) a real control freak. I do try and give choices and encourage independence, but when necessary I end the negotiations with the "it's me who decides" a la Pamela Druckerman. Sometimes, you just gotta get out the door. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI have used the "it's me who decides" line! Sometimes that's just the way it's got to be.
DeleteYour opening sentence gives me hope!
Man. I am becoming a yeller. I don't want to be, but I am so frustrated with the whole "not listening" and also THE WHINING!.
ReplyDeleteI hate yelling. I've made myself start singing when I want to yell. It's not nearly as satisfying, but sometimes I'm able to have fun with it.
DeleteMy husband and i have used the "do not negotiate with terrorists!" line as sort of a code when one of us realizes that the other is losing ground or about to cave... Which is fine, until whatever circumstances create that (hissed under your breath) scenario where it's just, "can you *please* give that child _______ so she'll shut her mouth?!" Fun times! Guess which parenting technique wins as you get older and more tired? :)
ReplyDeleteHa! Yeah, it takes effort not to undercut the other parent's strategy sometimes. There are definitely moments to stand your ground and moments to admit that this is not a battle I care enough to win. And the more tired I get, the less clear I am about which is which!
DeleteYou know this because we discuss and send one another articles about the "spirited" kid we both have... LORD.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya on every single level. I provide choices for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and it's so exhausting. But, it does make about 75% of the day go smoothly. There's obviously the other 25% that he goes batshit crazy for no reason. I offer the same thing every day, so why different that day, you know?
Benjamin is also the kid who doesn't agreeably leave (he doesn't agree to much, really... unless he thought of it first or we convince him it's his idea to begin with).
I've started asking him how much time he wants. He almost always picks 10 minutes. And sometimes I also think that's a reasonable amount of time and it fits into my choices as well (choosing options and also consequences that work for you is KEY in parenting; no punishing ourselves!). Sometimes I'm like...um helllll no to 10 more minutes. So because he has no idea if 10 minutes is actually 10 seconds or an hour, I set the timer ("set timer for 10 minutes, Siri") and then when the timer goes off, he ALWAYS agrees. I don't know how that broad has more power than me, but I'll take her on my team any day.
That's a fantastic idea to bring in Siri, AND let Zuzu choose the time... (I definitely use the fact that she has no idea how long 10 minutes is to my advantage as well).
DeleteI wish we lived in the same city and then we could trade off babysitting our spirited kids for date nights.
I'm betting they use a calendar at her school. It's not too early to work on teaching her how one works at home, too. My now-12-year-old was very similar with needing choices and warnings for transitions (in fact she still really needs the warnings for transitions, now that I think about it). When she was about 4, having the schedule for mom's work, swimming lessons, etc. really helped decrease the transitions because it wasn't coming as a surprise to her that she wasn't staying at the park all day, and the calendar was the authority telling her this -- I wasn't the bad guy. Calendars definitely don't negotiate!
ReplyDeleteI concur that it does get better. Good luck!