Monday, November 23, 2015

Let's Call This a Case of the Mondays

How are you doing this fine Monday morning?

How am I doing? Well, since you asked, here's how I am doing.

(1) I got to work today without my purse (which is usually tucked inside my school bag). I have no license, no faculty ID, no money, no credit card. It is a damn good thing I don't need gas. And they took pity on me and let me get lunch on the credit of my good name.

(2) I stepped in dog shit this morning. Not in the basement, where Cooper has been known to hide his shame, but in the LIVING ROOM. On THE NEW RUG. I was wearing shoes, but that just meant I had to clean shit off the bottom of my shoes, the rug, and the dining room floor because I didn't realize I'd stepped in it until I'd walked through the dining room to strap Coco in the high chair so I could clean it up without her assistance.

(3) I have a parent/teacher conference today at Zuzu's school with the director of her school. I requested this conference because of an incident at school on Friday. An incident which consisted of my oldest living daughter, my rainbow baby, the light of my life, the baby whose existence helped to heal my heart, the original sunshine of the "You Are My Sunshine" lyrics, my sweet little sweetie, BIT another child (Yes, this is not the first time. Yes, we know these things happen. Yes, maybe it has something to do with our sad news, or maybe I just want an explanation that doesn't make her a total monster. Yes, we are still embarrassed and concerned enough to request a conference.). You see, not only did she bite another child, she bit this other child ON THE FACE. (!) And broke the skin. (!) (!!!!!!) So we are going to go discuss my little Hannibal/Annabel Lector and her anger management issues.

Backstory, for the curious: It was nap time. Zuzu did not want to nap. Zuzu was running away from her teacher (also not the first time). This other student told her not to run. In Zuzu's words, "She told me 'Don't run!' and I was fwustrated, so I bit her!"

Right. Because when you can clearly explain your feelings using words like "frustrated" in the appropriate context, you should totally be biting people. ON THE FACE.

I cried after the director called me. Because sometimes when your kid does something wrong, you know they're just being a turd. But sometimes when you're kid does something wrong, it feels like a reflection of and comment upon your parenting. And also I want everyone to see her for the lovable, hilarious, sweet and kind little girl that I know she can be, and not this volatile, flesh-eating crazy person.

And then I wrote an apologetic e-mail to the parents of the victim (I'm getting really good at crafting e-mails apologizing for my child's socially unacceptable behavior, so if you want some tips, just let me know). I got a VERY KIND reply from the victim's mom, which made me feel better/worse.

Hope your Monday is, if nothing else, free of misplaced wallets, dog shit, and cannibalistic preschoolers.


  1. I can so sympathize with this. Those days when I'm told that "M had a bad day, she didn't listen, she said no a lot and ran away, she had to be removed from the classroom for being disruptive" etc and so on, make me feel like the worst parent ever. I really want them to see the best in her, not the worst!

  2. Good lord lady, that's a Monday. Chin up, she's hardly Annabel Lector, although that might be the best name ever.

    In my mind, the only unforgivable sin in this story is the shit on the shoe. Inside your house.

  3. I am sorry about your bad Monday. Mine was a doozy as well. Zuzu's biting is not a reflection on your parenting. I don't know at what age we can start blaming the parents, but Zuzu isn't there yet. I'm sure that others know you neither bite your child nor tolerate her biting.

    Henry does a horrible chokehold on the people he loves. He grabs the windpipe and squeezes. And he laughs while doing it! It is brutal, and it leaves marks on my neck that make me look like an abuse victim. I am awaiting the day he pulls out this maneuver at preschool.

  4. Awww, I'm sorry for your shitty Monday. I hope your week gets better!

  5. I had to narc my own kid out for not getting her math work done at school today. She had to go in at lunch to finish it. Plus I still have the plague.

  6. That bit about how you want people to see in her what you see - the person you know she can be (and is) - that is exactly the way I feel when my daughter misbehaves. Even now, and she's almost 10. It's not that I'm inconvenienced or exasperated or angry or... whatever. It's that I'm so sad for her that she sells herself short and doesn't even realize it and doesn't do the person she IS justice. I imagine this is not an uncommon feeling. :)
    Certainly sounds like A Monday to me.

  7. I'd like a cocktail just for having read that. Goodness, Monday had it out for you. How'd the conference go?

  8. Oh, my God. What a day. I hope you had a nice glass of wine that night and that the conference went as best as it could have. Wow.

  9. So tell DO you keep your house from smelling of dog shit!? I know cat pee/poop is a bit stronger smelling....but our one cat shits RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE LITTER BOX, in the basement I might add, and our entire main floor then wreaks of shit for hours - if not the entire day - after cleaning it. I'm waiting for the day where that damn cat decides he's gonna shit where ever he pleased, and I need to know how to get the smell out NOW.

    sorry about Zuzu. I almost can't believe it. I thoroughly believe you've done nothing wrong. Kids are just crazy assholes sometimes :(