Saturday, December 15, 2012

On Watching the News

I watched CNN yesterday in wide-eyed horror and disbelief.

I was listening to NPR in my car at first.  They were speaking to local reporters on the scene in Newtown.  The reporters were crying on the radio.

I turned on the TV when I got home.

I didn't start crying until President Obama started crying.

I held Zuzu while she napped instead of putting her in her crib.  I just didn't want her out of my sight.  And we all know she's my comfort.

I called David, who was at work.  In an elementary school.  Full of beautiful little kids.

I asked him if he'd heard about the shooting.

He said yes, it was terrible.

And then I started crying and saying, "Just don't be a hero, okay?"

As though his school was next in line.  Because it kind of felt that way.  Such a precarious place to work--a building full of innocent children and the people devoted to teaching them.

How does someone walk into a room full of little kids with those kid-sized chairs and little bitty desks and artwork on the walls and spelling words on the board and the American flag hanging in the corner and start shooting?

I am so incredibly sorry for the families whose hearts were broken and whose lives were shattered by a madman with guns.  I think of their homes decorated for the holidays with stockings waiting to be filled and gifts that will never be unwrapped.  I think of how noisy kids are and how silent their homes must be today.  I think of the way nothing will ever be quite okay for those families again.

The police may uncover more details and psychologists may speculate about diagnoses, but there are no answers and no explanations that will make this right.  It is incomprehensible, this kind of evil and this level of grief.

My thoughts and prayers and tears are with the families in Connecticut.


  1. I too keep thinking of those families and their precious children who won't be there to open their Christmas presents this year. That whole town and the unimaginable level of grief they're all experiencing right now, it's just so hard to even fathom.

    I agree with you, nothing will ever be able to explain away something so horrific and although everyone is grasping for solutions and answers this time sadly there just aren't any.

    Loving those we have fiercely and showing compassion to those around us, it's the only way I see hope in such a world where this nightmare could occur.

  2. It is so horrific. It makes me sick to even think about. Last night I was just watching Brennan, the same age as a lot of those kids, so full of life and thinking how empty those parents felt at that moment. We know that emptiness, not in the exact same way, but we know how unimaginable it is.

  3. I've been crying about it for days now. It's just awful.

  4. I'm with you and those teeny tiny does someone do that?!? Ugh on the unopened Christmas gifts and quiet houses. I fucking hate it.

    When you told David not to be a hero....I understand that on every level because omg we can't lose them too.

    Those families, those remaining teachers, those police officers...they will never ever be the same :(

  5. I know we had many similar feelings that day. I was devestated for those families. I couldn't stop thinking of the parents going home into their child's room, remembering what they last said to them, smelling their clothes, sobbing and sleeping in their beds. I have cried for two days now. But also like you, our husbands work at an elementary school. Just a month or two ago they had an administrative meeting regarding this very thing with active shooters through Clovis PD. On the schedule for next month is a meeting with the elementary school staff...I am sure the meeting will mean a whole lot more now.
    Anyway I feel the fear of loss for the families whose child just died and I worry about the safety of my husband and children so much more acutely because of what we have already experienced.

  6. I had to explain this to Charlie today because I was sure he'd hear about it from a classmate or an older child at school tomorrow. It was horrible.

    That kind of evil is incomprehensible.

  7. It will never be the same. Ever. And that is so wrong I can't begin to describe it.

  8. i just don't understand how someone can do that to others, especially innocent children. i had to take a step back from listening/reading the news. it was taking me back to those earlier days of my grief and making me physically ill.