Friday, November 30, 2012

November's End

I made it!  A post a day everyday for 30 days.  I thought I might not make it today, as we were crazy busy, but here we are at almost 10 o'clock (almost past my bedtime!) and I'm typing my final November post.  Seems appropriate to reflect on this month.

Zuzu is the cutest she's ever been these days.  She's chatty and so curious about the world.  She loves to be part of adult conversations, and she is so intrigued by toys and spoons and dogs and the world at large.  I love watching her take notice of new things--it's almost like you can see her brain working.

Going back to work has been good, although I tend to get a lot of road rage on my way home from work when I feel like other people are keeping me from getting back to my baby!  I know that the reason this transition has been as easy as it's been is because I feel so good about the daycare we have.  In just a few short weeks I feel like Zuzu's teachers have gotten attached to her (and her to them) and even though I miss her, I don't worry about her, which is wonderful.  And Zuzu has started taking a bottle at daycare (as in really latching on and sucking, as opposed to just crying while they let a fast-flow nipple dribble into her mouth--a big improvement!).  She's so close to sitting up, and she wants to crawl.  If only she could figure out how to lift her butt and her head at the same time...  Once she masters that trick, we're all in trouble.  Especially Little Mac.

This month also leaves us almost 24 months without Eliza.  We are less than a week away from the day that she should be turning two years old.

I'm so grateful for every smile and every snuggle and every breath that Zuzu takes.  I know that her first Christmas is truly something to celebrate.  But sometimes I feel like a total ingrate because you know how much fun Christmas would be with a two-year-old?  Every time I think about it (especially since so many of my friends have kids that age) I feel sad and left behind.  No matter how much I love the life I have now, I will always, always, always miss the life we would have had with Eliza here.

This week was busy, and my post-Thanksgiving slump seems to have lifted a little bit.  We even plan to put up our Christmas tree this weekend.

The last time I put up a Christmas tree, I was pregnant with Eliza.

Somehow that feels like forever ago, and like no time at all has passed.

A friend wrote us a sweet note about the journey that we've taken, the journey that has brought us to Zuzu and to the life we have now--which is a good, happy life.  And she said that she knows Eliza is such an important part of that journey.

It was such a sweet sentiment, and such a true one.  Two years is an unfathomable amount of time to live without your daughter.  But I could never leave her behind because she's an inextricable part of me, influencing everything I do and shaping everything I feel.

The moment I lost her, I knew that her absence was the greatest pain I'd ever felt.

What never ceases to surprise me is that I'm still discovering all the ways that her presence continues to be a gift.


  1. Eliza and Caroline are both very lucky to have a mom like you.

  2. hope you keep up the frequent posting, I've enjoyed reading along!

  3. So bittersweet. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I also enjoyed the frequent posting.

  4. I loved all of your posts, and this one made me cry. So beautiful, so very true.

  5. Her presence continues to be a gift ♥ Love that ♥ Beautiful post.

  6. Eliza is such a gift, as is Zuzu. I can't believe it's been two years. :(

    Like, seriously.

    These siblings are such a great joy, and I'm so thankful for them, and yet I still think about where I should be as well. And what having a two year old Jack would be like...

  7. We went without a tree in 2008. Putting up that tree while very newly pregnant with Hope in 2007 is such a happy memory. No matter how good Christmas is now, it will never be as it should be. I imagine four year old girls are REALLY in to Christmas. Except I have no idea...

  8. I am really getting to a point where I can see some of the good Reese and Scotlyn have brought into my life. I can really relate to your posts and still feeling the pain of losing them and never ever understanding why, but also grasping the way they do continue to shape who I am.