Thursday, November 1, 2012

November Begins

The challenge is to write a blog post every. single. day. this month.

I guess I'm going to give it a try, so be prepared for scintillating content.

By which I mean "stream of consciousness nonsense, and also baby pictures."

Halloween was ok.  This was the first year that we have been home for Halloween.  Ever.

Before I ever got pregnant, we always went to a costume party hosted by a grad student in the English department.  It was always a lot of pressure to find a costume that was clever and topical.  I rarely succeeded.

Last year we turned off all the lights and went out to dinner and a movie.

This year we stayed home, made meatless meatball sandwiches, and David started the tradition of watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! with Zuzu.  Then we watched another spooky favorite:  Sweeney Todd.

I didn't get Caroline a costume.  I tried to tell myself I was just being practical--she wasn't going trick or treating, after all.  The only Halloween event we attended was at David's school, and I wore her in the Ergo the whole time so her pumpkin hat was essentially her pumpkin costume (and a very cute costume at that--she wore it to Target yesterday and got a lot of compliments on it).  I told myself that I didn't really need to spend money on a costume she'd only wear once, and only for the purpose of taking pictures, and she would probably hate wearing it...

These were good reasons not to buy a costume, right?

But I think the truth is that I didn't feel much like celebrating.  I was soooo excited about holidays when I was pregnant with Eliza.  David and I had so many family traditions we wanted to start, and I had begun planning Eliza's Halloween costumes before she was born.  (A duck the first year, a butterfly the next year, then I'd let her choose...).  I still think about that when I think about Halloween, so I guess my heart just wasn't in it this year.  My heart was aching for the almost-two-year-old who should have been toddling around and helping us pass out candy and watching the Peanuts cartoon with her daddy.

Holidays are definitely easier with a new little one to celebrate, but they are also a pretty painful reminder of everything we're missing as we continue to miss Eliza.

I know I won't let my sadness dim the celebration for Zuzu as she grows up.  I'm still hoping my sadness gets a little lighter as time goes on.  But this year, as happy as I was to take Halloween snapshots of my lil' punkin, I really missed my other baby girl.

She was so interested in the jack-o-lantern faces on her feet that she did not want to look up at us even though we acted completely ridiculous trying to get her to look up and smile.  She's already too cool for us.
Zuzu likes to read the book so she can compare it to the movie.
Today is All Saints Day--a day that I've honestly never paid much attention to, other than viewing it as "Recover from Halloween Hangover Day."  This year, though, I'm going to the All Saints Day service at a church, and I hope that will become an ongoing tradition...  celebrating Halloween with my baby who's here, and then taking some time to remember and mourn my baby who's gone.


  1. I was just thinking about the two days. The first is for princess costumes and candy with E; the second is for lighting a candle for A, remembering our gone little girl. Remembering Eliza, too, today.

  2. I too never thought much of Nov 1 st.

    Back in my hay day, i was with a Spanish fellow. His family heavily celebrated Dios De Los Muertos. I didn't understand it much. I always associated it with him, and his seemingly obsessive behavior to celebrate this day as it coordinated with his birthday.

    Now, nearly a decade later, this day means much more.
    Remembering your Eliza today.
    Heavy stuff. Man, how life has changed.

    On another note, your kids is freakin adorable. Like, stinkin cute.

  3. I'm right there with you, sister.

    I couldn't get my act together. I barely managed to buy a bag of candy from Costco and a resale costume for B so I wouldn't feel like SUCH a lame-o not taking advantage of having a kid and celebrating on a kid holiday such as Halloween. Like he would be upset with me if I didn't make an effort or something.

    As always, Eliza is in my mind and heart.

  4. I'm lighting a candle for Eliza tonight.

  5. I think all of your traditions sound lovely, including remembering sweet Eliza on November 1.

  6. What a perfect tradition to remember Eliza on All Saints Day. Thinking of her today.

    And Zuzu looks so freaking cute in her pumpkin hat.

  7. I think mamas who have a child prior to the one that died seem to "celebrate" the holidays more immediately after loss, not because we are celebratory but because we are doing it for a small person we love. So, not celebrating...I get it, I wouldn't if I didn't feel an obligation to the one who was here before (if that makes sense)

  8. Hey, I couldn't "do" Halloween last year at all really, and even this year I barely did a costume for Owen. I hate that holidays may always be hard like this for us, and I also know that once they're talking and running and obsessing about candy/presents/easter eggs/whatever then our living children will be a welcome distraction from the longing and sadness, as well...and all the while the bittersweet will remain.

    Thinking of you, and loving that little pumpkin head. xoxo

  9. What an adorable little pumpkin. : )

    I went to an All Saints Day service the year we lost Katie. It was very comforting, even more so because her due date was approaching. Hope you found yours comforting too.