November Begins

The challenge is to write a blog post every. single. day. this month.

I guess I'm going to give it a try, so be prepared for scintillating content.

By which I mean "stream of consciousness nonsense, and also baby pictures."

Halloween was ok.  This was the first year that we have been home for Halloween.  Ever.

Before I ever got pregnant, we always went to a costume party hosted by a grad student in the English department.  It was always a lot of pressure to find a costume that was clever and topical.  I rarely succeeded.

Last year we turned off all the lights and went out to dinner and a movie.

This year we stayed home, made meatless meatball sandwiches, and David started the tradition of watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! with Zuzu.  Then we watched another spooky favorite:  Sweeney Todd.

I didn't get Caroline a costume.  I tried to tell myself I was just being practical--she wasn't going trick or treating, after all.  The only Halloween event we attended was at David's school, and I wore her in the Ergo the whole time so her pumpkin hat was essentially her pumpkin costume (and a very cute costume at that--she wore it to Target yesterday and got a lot of compliments on it).  I told myself that I didn't really need to spend money on a costume she'd only wear once, and only for the purpose of taking pictures, and she would probably hate wearing it...

These were good reasons not to buy a costume, right?

But I think the truth is that I didn't feel much like celebrating.  I was soooo excited about holidays when I was pregnant with Eliza.  David and I had so many family traditions we wanted to start, and I had begun planning Eliza's Halloween costumes before she was born.  (A duck the first year, a butterfly the next year, then I'd let her choose...).  I still think about that when I think about Halloween, so I guess my heart just wasn't in it this year.  My heart was aching for the almost-two-year-old who should have been toddling around and helping us pass out candy and watching the Peanuts cartoon with her daddy.

Holidays are definitely easier with a new little one to celebrate, but they are also a pretty painful reminder of everything we're missing as we continue to miss Eliza.

I know I won't let my sadness dim the celebration for Zuzu as she grows up.  I'm still hoping my sadness gets a little lighter as time goes on.  But this year, as happy as I was to take Halloween snapshots of my lil' punkin, I really missed my other baby girl.

She was so interested in the jack-o-lantern faces on her feet that she did not want to look up at us even though we acted completely ridiculous trying to get her to look up and smile.  She's already too cool for us.

Zuzu likes to read the book so she can compare it to the movie.

Today is All Saints Day--a day that I've honestly never paid much attention to, other than viewing it as "Recover from Halloween Hangover Day."  This year, though, I'm going to the All Saints Day service at a church, and I hope that will become an ongoing tradition...  celebrating Halloween with my baby who's here, and then taking some time to remember and mourn my baby who's gone.