Thursday, October 18, 2012

Pour Me a Glass of Whine

My sinuses are going crazy.  I guess it's seasonal allergies, which I thought I had outgrown.  Until this year, when my nose to periodically produce vast amounts of snot while at the same time rendering me sluggish, cranky, and unmotivated.

I seriously need to organize the photos on my computer because they are a mess and kind of out of control and I really just want a new computer but why does the one I want have to cost so much money?  And I think I want this camera card that automatically syncs to my computer so I don't have to manually upload pictures but I need to find out more about it and right now that feels overwhelming.

At least I made the bed today.

I really should exercise.  I know I need to stretch.  Yoga would do me good.  Why is the idea of exercising so much more appealing than actually doing it?  Even though I know I'll feel so much better after it's done?  I feel the same way about writing for work.

The dogs are no longer respectful of the baby's quilt on the floor, so now it's a free for all play zone, which includes doggy activities such as Cooper licking his butt-hole and Little Mac rubbing her eye boogers.  This irritates me to no end, but my efforts to stop the butt-licking and booger-wiping are unsuccessful.  Let us hope I can just keep the baby from mimicking these habits.  Working in my favor is the fact that she is remarkably flexible, but still not built for butt-licking.

Here is something I'm sucking at working really hard on:  Enjoying the moment without stressing out so much about the future.

Example:  Caroline still sleeps in a little bassinet by our bed.  I love having her there.  We both do.  We like her close by, we like looking at her before we go to sleep, we like her being a literal arm's reach away when she wakes up in the wee hours and wants to eat.  It's easy and convenient and makes us all happy.

AND YET.  I think...  Should we be transitioning her to a crib?  What if she gets so used to the sleeper that she won't ever sleep in a crib?  What if we move her to a crib and she misses us?  What if we move her to her crib and she's still getting up in the middle of the night when she's almost a year old and I have to get up and go in the other room to feed her instead of just rolling over in bed and feeding her lying down?  

Or this:  Caroline won't take a bottle anymore.  I followed the "rules" and introduced it when she was about a month old and she did just fine but wasn't thrilled about that.  So we just gave her a bottle occasionally and then one day at about three months old, she flat-out refused it.  Baby hates bottles; loves boobs.  So I've googled and called lactation consultants and bought a wide variety of bottle nipples (including latex ones that they don't even sell in stores anymore) and...  she still doesn't like bottles.  AND I go back to work in three weeks!

What if she keeps refusing a bottle and starves at daycare and wonders why I have abandoned her and am no longer feeding her?  What if the daycare workers hate her because she's difficult?  What if she won't eat at daycare but wants to eat all night long and quits sleeping at night?  What if I have to feed her all evening long and I can't go anywhere without her after work ever?  

As you can see, my major concerns are over losing sleep and the baby missing me.  Ironically, I lose sleep over worrying about losing sleep.  And the baby will undoubtedly adjust to daycare more easily than I will.  And--at least for the months of November and December--it's only part time!

So I'm trying to focus on the fact that right NOW the baby sleeps and is well fed and everybody says that she will figure out the bottle thing or we'll just skip right to sippy cups or pilsner glasses or whatever.

The thing is, yesterday was like the perfect day.  The baby slept in while I got up and showered.  Then we attended a La Leche League meeting.  I don't know why I hadn't gone before.  I guess because we weren't really having breastfeeding issues.  But probably mostly because it's hard for me to go to a group knowing I'll meet new moms and I'll be the one with the dead baby.

Anyway, I went.  And it was really nice.  And yes, I did talk about my dead baby.  The ladies were all really cool.  Yes, they were cloth-diapering, exclusive-breast-feeding, Toms-wearing hippies, but hey...  so am I!  (Side note:  it's kind of weird to think that whole group of people is weirdly crunchy and then realize that you are just as crunchy as they are, minus the hipster glasses).  I'm not in the homebirthing category, but I totally watched the Ricki Lake documentary, so there's that.  We chatted babies and bottles and day care and politics and it was actually really nice.  It was a small group and Caro showed off her mad rolling over skills and everyone oohed and ahhed over her.

It was so interesting to me to see how much she was rolling (front to back AND back to front!), because I could tell that she was really watching a nine-month-old baby girl who was there, and Caro was WAY more active than she usually is at home (Here she likes to get halfway over and then shriek until I give her a nudge.  Or she doesn't roll at all because she's just feeling lazy and we're home and in the living room and instead of rolling actively, she convinces me that we should both lay around and watch one more episode of Parenthood on Netflix.  Girl's persuasive, too.).  It makes me think I need to be doing more playdates.  It also makes me feel a little excited about daycare, since she'll get to watch what other kids are doing (and hopefully she'll get peer-pressured into taking a bottle).  (Fast forward about fifteen years and I'll be talking about beer and hoping for the opposite, right?)

After LLL, Caroline and I came home for lunch, then headed back out to do some shopping.  She napped in the stroller while I browsed and tried on clothes (I tried on a pair of skinny corduroy pants and discovered I needed TWO sizes bigger than my usual size.  Eeep.  But then I overheard a sales girl saying that sometimes the sizes vary pretty widely because they cut so many layers of fabric at once in the factory so I choose to belief that this is just a factory fluke.)  When we got home, Caro was so sound asleep in her carseat that I was able to make veggie chili and apple crisp while she snoozed.  (Which we later ate with fritos and vanilla ice cream, respectively.  Wonder why I'm still not back to my regular size pants?  But you know what they said at LLL?  Three to six months is the super fat burning phase of breastfeeding.  So bring it on!)

By the time David got home from work, dinner was ready, the house smelled delicious, the baby was just waking up, and I was in a good mood.  Add a strand of pearls and I could have been the perfect housewife.  I felt like being a mom was so super easy.  Actually, if I'm being honest, I felt like I was just really good at it.

And then there's today.

It's almost past noon.  I haven't showered.  I fed Caro in bed this morning and then we both napped.  Now she's shrieking and writhing--first on the blanket, then on my lap.  Sometimes it sounds like a real cry, but mostly she's just making irritated noises.  I swear we're both having seasonal allergies even though supposedly babies can't have allergies like that?  Well maybe whoever says that should see my baby's boogers.

I have a long list of things to do (order photographs, vacuum living room, run to post office, return a couple things to Target, locate and purchase a Breastflow baby bottle...) and my motivation is nil.

Also David has to work late so I'm on my own for another nine hours or so.  Which is awesome since it seems that I am getting on my baby's last nerve and she'd rather hang out with anyone but me.  As long as they have lactating boobs.

UPDATE:  Baby is sleeping.  And I think we'll all feel better if I wash my hair.  And take an allergy pill.


  1. "I lose sleep over worrying about losing sleep." Yep. Totally been there! Just throwing out an idea - take it or leave it. And maybe you are already doing this. When E first came home he slept right next to our bed. Then we eventually started putting him in his crib for just nap time. At night he stayed in our room for a while. But we were able to get him used to his crib during the day. Eventually we decided we were all ready for him to sleep at night in his room. We did night feedings for a LONG time so it was more of a pain when he moved out of our room but he was happy in his crib. Nothing wrong with a gradual transition!

  2. I was actually going to comment on how you should try the breastflow bottles, then you said you were looking for them!! And actually you are not that far from me (I'm in KC,MO) If you want a cheaper alternative I actually have a bunch of them that I'm getting rid of. Not sure what shipping would be on them, but I have a picture at home that I posted on a FB swap n shop group, that I could send you. I believe I have 7 or 8 bottles. Email me at

  3. I totally stressed out about sleeping arrangements with George and in the end, it worked out. I did the crib transition thing - crib in our room, moved the crib towards the door and eventually into his own room. It worked and truth be told, once he was sleeping in his own room, I slept better. He still woke up for a feed until he was about 11 months but it wasn't so bad (although I totally stressed out about it as I had to go back to work when he was 12 months). I remember I started giving him water instead of BM and eventually he stopped waking. It's all so hard - it sounds like it is all work stress. Hang in there, Brooke.

  4. It took all my babies a year to sleep all night, but then they did, and life was wonderful. Sleep will sort itself out, which doesn't sound like anything worth saying when you are standing around sleep deprived, but it happens. Eventually.

    Cooper never took a bottle (but I never had to leave him for more than 2 hours, so we made it, but it was stressful as shit and I am sure that if he had to take one, he would have done it-- he just knew I was coming home soon and didn't bother). Jack LOVED Adiri bottles-- they look exactly like breasts, to the point that having one out on the counter in front of my in-laws felt creepy. Like sleep, though, it will sort itself pout in no time. before you know it, she'll be eating solids, too, which will help tide her over when you're not there.

    You're doing great, and it's going to be wonderful to be in grownupland, too.

    Also, Becca and I want to put out our own collection of PhD mom essays-- you interested?

  5. It sounds like our back to work schedules are very similar ... Of course, we are leading very different lives at ths point in time...but it's stressful nonetheless.

    I have a friend who still has BOTH her kids in the same room as her and her dh (kids are 3 and 1), and I used to silently judge her ALL the TIME...but now...these days... W/e. all things work themselves out, and stress doesn't do anyone any good.

    (I know you're proactive...and my said friend is just lazy nd fed up with I don't mean to compare.)

    Have the glass o' wine! But not if it sloshes up in your BF business!

  6. Enjoy the sleep while you are getting it! Do not worry about when she will stop sleeping until/unless she stops sleeping, and even then, worst case scenario, you get a king size bed and move her in with you guys. (That's what we are probably going to end up doing, eventually. Right now Luke actually sleeps really well in his own bed- a twin mattress on the floor- until around 3ish am. Which I guess won't be a huge deal since I'll be getting up at 3 am soon probably anyway.) Ideally, we'll "train" him to sleep in his bed for most of the night and then come over to our room for the last few hours, but whatever. I would much much rather cosleep with a happy kid than do the cry it out stuff, that's just not for me. (And even the cry it out gurus don't recommend sleep training till 6 months.)

    That is awesome and horrible that she is such a good roller already! Trust me, you want her to take her time becoming mobile as much as possible!! ESPECIALLY walking.

    Too funny about the Le Leche League hippies and fitting right in with them. Good for you for going! not stress too much about the bottle. Definitely try the breastflow ones. If nothing else you can probably order them rather than going on a crazy scavenger hunt. (Or if you want to wait till Saturday I can bring you some of ours to borrow.) If those don't work, I'd probably just move on to the sippy cup. We had a daycare baby about Caro's age who never took a bottle and just started drinking from a sippy cup when he was around 4 months. She won't starve, it will be okay!

  7. Re: the bottle refusal, are you anywhere in the room when someone tries to give her a bottle? I had to be on another floor of the house or at least a room or two away for our son to take bottles. He was all for the boob. Made the transition to sippy cups super easy though. Good luck!

  8. I was so exactly like this with Kai. I figured I'd be more mellow with another baby. But, I'm not. I have to go back to work in 6 weeks and I worry about the same things you are worrying about. I just cleaned vomit off myself and the couch and it's still in my hair so I put it in a pony tail. I didn't get to bed Until 4am because of said vomiter. I can't fit into jeans 2 sizes bigger than my usual size. The house is a mess and I'm reading your blog :).
    I wish you lived closer so we could hang out in real life. Dang it.

  9. I read this earlier on my phone and felt like I had a million important things to comment on/share. But now I can't remember - so I doubt they were that important. I'm sure, just like with all these wonderful parenting adventures, you will all figure it out as you go and find what works best for your family.

    Finn is 16 months and sometimes the most productive thing I do all day is make the bed. Sometimes.

  10. And then a friend calls and says....can i stay the night. <3

  11. Don't worry about sleeping arrangements. They'll work out eventually. As for the rest, I'm stuck on ass licking and eye goobers on the blanket. Also, being crunchy without even knowing it, I think I'm not crunchy. But what if I am?!

  12. I know it's not helpful, but the sleep stuff does work itself out on its own one day. Enjoy your snuggly baby!

    And yes, I have many days when I feel like I have it all under control only to get smacked upside the head the next day. Veggie chili and apple crisp sounds like an awesome dinner!

  13. I have no advice... Just empathy.

    You're awesome and she is loved. Most important!

  14. No advice, not being a mom myself. Well a mom to a living baby. You know what I mean. But I just wanted to poke my head in and say it sounds like you are doing great. I think that not just with parenting, but with life in general, we all have days where we feel like we are kicking ass and being wonderwoman and then there are days when you just want to pull the covers over you head and call do over. I'm hoping the super mom days outnumber the not so confident ones.

  15. You are a fabulous mother and don't you second guess that. :)

    Caroline is a delight and I love her little face and her cute little tongue. :)