Wednesday, June 6, 2012

MFM Graduate

I saw my high-risk doctor this morning, the maternal-fetal medicine specialist whom I've been seeing in addition to my regular OB throughout this pregnancy.

She wrote me a prescription for a 39-week induction and told me that I don't need to come back and see her again.

Whether I'll actually be induced or not is still up for debate, and depends on how our monitoring goes and how the baby looks.  If there's the smallest fear the baby is in trouble, of course we'll induce right away.  If the baby appears to be doing fine, we'll probably continue to wait and see.

But the point is:  She's finished with me.  As far as she's concerned, The Deuce is Good To Go.  (Well, good to continue to be monitored twice-weekly, but no longer needing office visits with her.)

She told me that she'd just met with another patient who has a similar health history to me (her baby died, but for no specific reason; she has no particular health issues).  She said, "So I told this girl, 'I usually don't see normal patients.'  But then I come next door and here you are!"

All about perspective, right?  To most of the world I'm a worst-case-scenario freak statistic.  To an MFM?  My pregnancy is totally boring and normal.  And I am not complaining about it.  I hope it stays that way.  I also that the Deuce's birth is the most boring and normal birth EVER.

She also asked me what I was most worried about:  "Are you worried about getting the baby out?"

Uh, no.  I've done that before.  Pretty sure I can do it again.  Doesn't actually require any skill or forethought, to tell you the truth.  I'm not saying it's delightful and I'd like to do it everyday, but it's not number one on the list of Things Keeping Me Up At 3am.

I said, "No...  I'm worried about something happening between now and then."

It sounds so vague when I put it like that.  What I mean is, I'm worried that ten minutes after the Deuce has passed a kick count, his or her heart will just stop beating.  I'm terrified that I'll wake up in the morning and there will be a heavy, floating stillness where there should be wriggling and kicking.  I'm scared shitless that they'll put me on the non-stress monitors and suddenly there won't be any heartbeat to hear.

She reminded me that I've come so far, and that if it weren't for my tragic health history, we would have absolutely no reason to worry about the Deuce or consider this a "high risk" pregnancy at all.

Deep breaths.

And so we wait.

No more baby aspirin.

Seven more non-stress tests.  At the very most.

We are so freaking close.

Given that there was nothing else to discuss about this pregnancy, my MFM proceeded to talk with me about the book Fifty Shades of Grey, which she referred to as pornography, right before offering to LEND ME HER COPY.  Awesome.  (She hasn't read it yet. She's not sure what she's saving it for.  I awkwardly suggested, "Uh... vacation?").

Every other time I've "graduated" from one phase of my life, I've always had a moping period where I'm overwhelmed with nostalgia.  Even when I left middle school for high school, I felt kind of sad about it (Because eighth grade had been so amazing?  Hardly.).  David can attest to the fact that I bawled my eyes out after graduating from college because, "*sniffle* Things just won't ever be the same! *sob.*" (That was true, although it turns out there is a bit more to life than Gumby's pizza and high-drama romance).  Leaving graduate school has been hard because my good friends are scattering across the country (even though I'm happy for them as they score good jobs).  I'm just not really great with big changes, and I always think with affection of all the familiar things I'll miss.

I did not feel that way as I walked down the hallway leaving the MFM office today.  No qualms about walking away.  As much as I like my MFM, I couldn't help but smile when she said no more appointments.

I am ready to say good-bye to this scary, high-risk, pregnancy-after-loss.  I am ready to cross the finish line.  I cannot wait to meet this baby.


  1. Check the box.

    One step closer.

    Let's go Deuce. You're in the dugout.

  2. I am afraid of exactly the same thing! No amount of reassurance can quell the fear. Hang in there!

    Oh and congrats on your graduation!

  3. One step closer. One step at a time. Congrats on being done with your MFM!

  4. Perspective is right... There are those whose pregnancies (not births, but pregnancies) are just so much more complicated and I think it's easy to take that for granted (while still being scared shitless of your baby's heart stopping). I mean, I lost Jack AFTER birth, but pregnancy, and late pregnancy in particular were worrisome for me because I know too many people with perfect pregnancies whose babies just didn't make it... FACK.

    Can not wait to meet Deuce, too. :)

  5. BTW, I bought into the hype of Fifty Shades... It's porno, but not like, good porno, if that makes sense. I've read all of about 200 pgs of book 1.

    My prediction would be that should you read it, the protagonist will drive you CRAZY with her wimpy-ness (a word?) and that when they mean vagina (insert dirty euphemism here.. Snort, "insert") she says things like, "my fire" or something like that. ha!

  6. This is a happy graduation! Good for you and the Deuce!

  7. Wonderful news! Hope you did something nice--or at least ate something yummy--to celebrate your graduation day :)

  8. Graduating the MFM- so scary and yet so hopeful. Saying prayers for you and the Deuce.

  9. Oh, good news! The waiting must be so hard. You're so close! I think of you often.

  10. Congratulations on graduating! I hope you're having a graduation party!

  11. Whoo hoo! Close the door, walk down the hall, don't look back, goodbye MFM!!

  12. My emotions are all over the place this month - this morning alone I cried thinking about the day my sweet Roscoe dog passes away - what in the what!? One thing at a time Caroline, but there's just lots going on. And seriously, the Deuce's safe arrival is on my list of things to think about/fret over/hope for/pray for. Just reading this I got all anxious/hopeful/excited . .. and HOLY CRAP YOU ARE SO CLOSE. But I know it's terrifying, and until that baby is in your arms, it won't be anything but.

    But I think LJ is right and you should busy yourself in smutty romance novels and write a review for all of us so we can decide if it's worth hoping on the bandwagon or not.

    While your at it - I need a good book and something I can put down and come back to easily since we'll be moving/packing/unpacking. . . any suggestions?

  13. Congrats on the graduation. Still here, reading and rooting for you and the Deuce.

  14. SO freaking close! I had a feeling of "graduation" when I left the OB office after our 6 week check WITH a baby in my arms. So crazy wonderful. I can't wait for you you to have this baby safe and sound in your arms. So soon, but not soon enough I know.

  15. You're so close! One step at a time and you've just taken a huge one! Thinking of you and your little Deuce :)

  16. Wonderful news! Thinking of you and little Deuce.

  17. I can't wait for this next phase for you!! xo

  18. i cannot wait for you. i miss eliza and margaret and wish they were waiting with us.

  19. I think people thought that about me, too. Both health professions and family and friends. That I was afraid of the birth, the getting the baby out bit. Nope. Not in the slightest. I'd have had them pull the baby from my nose or ear or have them slice me top to toe with just a Panadol to get the baby out. It was making sure they didn't up and die inside me without me realising. That was fear number one. And not being able to trust my instincts. Everyone said it wouldn't happen again, but I didn't know it had happened the first time, so how the hell did I know what to look for? All I know is when she ahd stopped moving, it was already too late.
    The finish line is SO close for you. I'm so very glad precious baby Deuce is looking good and all set to make his or her grand entrance. We all can't wait for you guys.