Sunday, April 8, 2012

Kountry Style Weekend Visit

My cousin and I went and got pedicures this weekend.  The first one I've had since I've been obviously pregnant.  The first thing the girl said to me when we walked in the door was, "You look so cute pregnant!"

I love a good compliment, but I can't ever decide if I'm annoyed or relieved when people can't see how sad and fearful and full of grief I still am.  I'm thankful, really, that I haven't outwardly become the monstrous Miss Havisham I thought I'd have to be, but it also doesn't seem right that the intensity with which I miss Eliza is somehow invisible.

We hadn't planned to go to my parents' for Easter, but after my previous visit got canceled due to Excessive Vomiting, we made a kind of last-minute decision to drive down.  Four and a half hour car trips get increasingly less comfortable when you're carrying a baby on your bladder, so we figured that now was as good a time as any.  We rolled into town for a quick weekend visit and hit all the local hot spots.

Local hot spots include the Thai Cabin 'n Grill, which is a restaurant that a guy opened in his garage in a subdivision just outside of town, that serves (you guessed it) Thai food and also other stuff.  For example, the appetizer menu offers both spring rolls and chicken livers.  The place was busy and our food was good, but the beer snobs (my dad and David) were disappointed in the selection (variations on Bud Light, and one Thai beer that my dad and David tried that David said reminded him of the beers we had in Korea--pale and watery).

Next hot spot:  one of several hair and nail salons in town.  My cousin and I got our pedicures at Kountry Style Salon.  I did a double take at the decor when we first walked in.

Maybe I should host a caption contest for this photo?  Because I have no words.
It was a good pedicure, audience of dead mammals notwithstanding.  I'd go back and ask for Amy again.  I chose purple sparkle nail polish because why not?  And then my mom and I went to Wal-Mart, because what's a visit to Nevada without a trip to Wal-Mart?  Incomplete, that's what.

I saw my second grade teacher there (you never go to Wal-Mart without seeing at least one person you know).  She gave me a big hug and congratulated me on the Deuce.  Later, my mom told me that this teacher still substitutes at the building where my mom works (she retired a few years ago) and she asks about me a lot.  I knew that this teacher was no stranger to grief, as her youngest son was killed by a drunk driver when he was a teenager.  What I didn't know (until my mom mentioned it after we saw her at Wal-Mart) was that she had also lost a baby girl.  She went on to have four boys, and then survived the death of another child.

I hear stories like that--or sometimes even think about the other bereaved parents I know and their stories--and I just wonder how anyone gets through it.  I think that I can't imagine how you'd go on.

And even though I haven't ever forgotten about Eliza for a second, it's like it takes a minute to hit me all over again that this is MY story, too.  That I'm living through it.  That the sympathy and pain I feel for other people is what other people feel about me.  And then my brain and heart feel like they are going to have some kind of simultaneous implosion and I need to just stop thinking and see what's in the DVR.

Easter was...  meh.  I missed Eliza, I wanted to be filling her Easter basket, I wanted to be taking countless pictures of her, I wanted to be taking her to church and showing her off in a darling Easter dress, I wanted everything to be different.  I read on Keleen's blog that she's working with Plan B because that's the only one available, and even though I know that's true for us as well, I am still not entirely satisfied with Plan B.  I can't exactly tell Plan B to suck it, though, and I know that will get increasingly complicated when the Deuce arrives because the Deuce IS Plan B, and that is super weird thing to say and the sort of thing that I would imagine no child would really want to hear from his or her parent (although, realistically speaking, I bet it's true for a lot of kids, one way or another).  So anyway.  We dealt with Plan B.  We went to church, we walked the dogs.  I even had my mom take a picture of David and me together outside in the front yard (although it was only because one of my aunts requested it).  Cooper made me laugh with his antics when we let him off his leash at the park, and we realized just how blind Little Mac is as she walked through unfamiliar territory.  Bless her little heart.  Her birthday was Friday--she turned 12!.

My parents donated an Easter lily at church in memory of Eliza, and it filled up my heart to see her name in the program and I loved and hated it at the same time.  I was so glad that they did that, but OBVIOUSLY I would so much have preferred that we had her there with us.

My grandparents came over for dinner on Saturday night, and my mom and I helped my Nana order some clothes online.  Nana hates shopping, so she loved the idea but isn't quite computer savvy enough to do it on her own (she does check e-mail and play a mean game of solitaire on her computer, though).  My youngest cousin is getting married and Nana has decided to get something new for Bekah's wedding, so I really hope that one of the outfits we chose will work.  Nana is also going to make a quilt for the Deuce (she made two for Eliza... sigh) and I caved at a recent fabric store sale and bought material for it.  We talked quilt patterns.  The evening ended on a bit of a rough note when Nana and Little Mac got into a spat.  They have what can only be described as a personality conflict, and there was some mutual antagonizing followed by aggressive barking and shouting.  Meanwhile, Cooper snuggled up to my Papa and considers him a friend for life.

All in all, it was a good visit home.  We always wish the drive was shorter, and I know that won't change when we're figuring out how to make the trip with two dogs and a baby (hopefully).

I took this pic mid-way through last week at 27 and 1/2 weeks.  I love the way the dogs are both watching me. 

Once again in the horizontal stripes.  Why, maternity designers?  Why?  Note the ceramic deer head on the wall--my version of Kountry Style.
Another ultrasound tomorrow, which I know explains why I feel teary and emotional tonight.  Time to snuggle up with Cooper and catch up on Game of Thrones.

P.S.  Isn't there some kind of app that automatically takes pictures from your phone and syncs them to your computer?  Interwebz, do tell!


  1. I've been wracking my brain to think of something clever to say about the nail/taxiderm salon, but I gots nothing... ha

    You are an adorbs pregnant lady. I asked Scott- he confirmed! :)

    Plan B sound about right, a desperately wanted, and heavy tried-for alternative to what we originally planned down to the finest detail.

    Ps. I love that Lil Mac and your grams are both drama queens.

  2. You do look cute pregnant!

  3. I agree with all you have said...We have our Plan B baby sleeping in her crib right now. Although I wish her older brother was here and I would never have chosen this series of events if asked, I try to focus on the good that has come with the pain. I know that is an odd way of looking at it but over three years away from our loss...I can say that although I miss our son, I find comfort in him watching over us and love my daughter to pieces even more each day. At times I can't imagine it any other way.
    And yes I agree...what the heck is with all the horizontal stripes with maternity outfits!! You pull them off very very well!!
    Thanks for sharing your story!!

  4. My hubby said the captio. Should be, "Nice rack." He's a hunter, from the extreme eastern side of a very rural county here in Western WA, so, yeah. In the place he's from, country is regularly spelled with a K.

    By the way, the pink magnolias have just started blooming here this last week. Every one I see makes me think of Eliza.

    (Boo to horizontal stripes for preggo wear, but you wear them beautifully!)

  5. I'm I totally noticed said ceramic kountry style head on the wall and was chuckling.

    You look great. My butt usually vies for bump attention while pregnant so I'm appreciating the one hump not two look you have going on.

    I'm totally down for purple sparkles and am in need of a pedi myself. Glad you had a good visit.

  6. Plan A would have been amazing and while I know things will be good again (or at least that's what I tell myself) they will always leave me wanting. Sigh. So yes, I am working with Plan B.

    Love the bump pic, the stripes are working for you!

    I like the Amy's comment for the photo title...nice rack lol.

    Another Easter without Easter dresses and our girls, total suck fest.

  7. Ok, those dead dear heads on the salon wall are frightening. Who on earth would want to hang them in a nail salon???

    Easter sucked for me too!

  8. you are seriously so adorable!

    easter surprisingly last yr and this yr was very hard for me. i think it's the whole thought behind a man coming back to life after dying that now stings me to my core. i understand that this is Jesus we're talking about, but i wonder why that could happen for my son. :(

    though this yr wasn't *as* hard because of our plan b. she brought us some beautiful memories. it was the first easter that i got to acknowledge with a baby. so we got a few pics of her and of us as a family (after awkwardly positioning the camera and putting it on timer). and i hope that deuce brought you some happiness on a hard day too.

    about the app. i'm not sure if there is one, but i'm on google+ and they have option that lets you instantly upload all the pics you take to a private google photo album. it's called instant transfer. it makes it very convenient when i'm adding photos to my blog posts because it lets me get photos from my phone (which looks in the album).

  9. The only needed caption for that picture is "Nevada." Welcome back, Brooke, welcome back

  10. You look awfully good in those horizontal stripes! Glad you had a good trip with your family. We actively refer looking at Dot as a plan B, but if I'm honest with myself, well, yeah.

    Easter is hard - I know it should be hopeful, a whole holiday about resurrection and new life, but I think that's one of the things that makes it hard, too.

  11. New caption: "Nails... to die for"

  12. Plan B is such a strange thing to wrap your head around. As I hold Harrison and kiss his warm soft head, I can't help sometimes thinking that he wouldn't be here if Love were here. And then I have to reconcile my motherly guilt of being soooo happy that he is here, even though I am soooo sad that Love isn't. As my love for Harrison grows, I feel a bit like I'm "cheating on" Love. But, I try not to focus on those feelings, which are natural, I know. I am really loving being a mommy again, and I really want to enjoy this time. But, I still miss Love horribly... Ugh.

    As for the computer question, if you are working with Mac's it's called iCloud. if you update your software on your phone and your computer (iCloud is FREE at, it will automatically sync your phone and your computer. How rad is that??

  13. I have an eyefi memory card for my Nikon and also downloaded the app on my iPhone for no cost. Works like a charm, though I think you need to have the eyefi card info on your computer for it to work. Cost $30 for the Nikon and it automatically uploads pics from Nikon to PC without cords whenever my computer and camera are both on and in wifi range (in my house). And with the iPhone, I just select photos and it uses my wifi to send to me computer automatically once I select the ones I want transferred. SO totally recommend that memory card. I am buying my mom one, too.

    Plan B here too. So many emotions still flood my heart about that very reality.

    Read the comments above about "nice rack" and thought they were talking about yours in that dress. ;) haha. One hot mama, my friend!

  14. You remind me of Amanda Peet in that picture.

    And I'm not sure if this is creepy, but I kind of did an "oh that Bekah" when I read that your cousin was getting married because of the stuff you pin on Pinterest.

    Yeah, that's a little creepy . . .

  15. Sometimes I forget this is my life as well, and that the sorrow I feel for others, others feel for me.
    And yeah, I always got tired and emotional before ultrasounds. Love to you, gorgeous pregnant lady.