Catching Up: Just a quick (and thankfully, boring) update to say that the Deuce's non-stress test went okay today. He/she didn't have the accelerations they were looking for (again), but I was better prepared to handle that. Plus, we came very close (the nurse thought the doctor might let us slide, but I appreciate that he was cautious). Bio-physical profile took a while (again) but movement and tone were great, fluid was fine, and eventually Deuce got around to showing off his/her breathing skillz (right about the time I was asking the nurse if I'd have to come back tomorrow because I was sure we were looking at score of 6/10). So we ended up scoring at 8 on the report card, and I left feeling reassured.
Breaking Down: I got home tonight and heard some news that shattered any sense of complacency I might have had (we all know there wasn't much of that), and--more significantly--left me breathless, speechless, and brokenhearted. Another bereaved mother, whose first baby died around the same time Eliza did, just lost her second child--a baby girl born at 36 weeks.
All that bullshit about lightning not striking twice... All that bullshit about everything happening for a reason... I swear I will punch anyone who dares utter those words out loud in my presence.
We who have journeyed to hell and back with the loss of a baby say that we could never survive another loss. I think, there's no way I could handle it. But you know what? I thought that first time, too.
Now I know that the worst thing about it is that you do survive. You do wake up the next morning and you find that eventually you have to brush your teeth and put on clothes and eat something and try to remember what it means to be alive when your baby is dead. It takes months to find your way back to the point where you can stand to exist in your own skin again. It staggers me to know that an ordinary couple who just wanted to have a baby is enduring that level of pain for the second time.
Profoundly fucking unfair doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel the same way about things happening for a reason, there's no reason on Earth that a baby should die. period. And definitely no reason a Mother should have to feel that pain twice! My heart is shattered for Becky!
ReplyDeleteNo words to describe the horror of the terrible news.
ReplyDeleteIn anticipation of our perinatologist appt I was looking up journal articles about management of subsequent pregnancies after unexplained stillbirth (my husband hates that I do shit like this). But one of things I found is exactly what you have learned--that most non-stress tests before 32 weeks are non-reactive (not bad, just no accelerations).
The management studies are not plentiful! But it is reassuring to know that this community of mamas in late pregnancy are doing all the tests that are recommended.
Hang in there! Grow baby grow!
Oh, Brooke. I can only imagine how awful that news was for you. I hope the careful monitoring gives you some peace and that the next eight weeks go smoothly and quicker than you anticipate. So many hugs from TX.
ReplyDeleteThat is terrible news. I'm so sorry for her - I don't know her, but if you can, please share her blog so I can go and offer some support.
ReplyDeleteSigh. I'm sorry that it has shattered you as well. Hang in there, Brooke.
I have a local "real life" friend who lost her first son at 21 weeks to preterm labor. then a miscarriage. then a stillbirth at 36 weeks. She had a healthy baby boy 6 days before I had Finn, and I MARVEL at her strength. How the hell do you survive all that!? How the hell can life be so unbelievably cruel.
ReplyDeleteSeeing that picture of beautiful Evelynn - it crushes me. I want to hold her close and take away this awful pain her parents have to endure. again.
Brooke - I was thinking of you today as I read the news of baby Evelyn all over BLM blogs. I don't know this mama but went and left her a note. I was just sobbing. I called my mom. I cried and cried. How could this happen? It shook me up to know that the worst possible thing could happen not once but twice. My heart is broken for her. And the selfish part if ne just froze. Those of us pregnant again Who have read this news I know we all must feel paralyzed with fear.
ReplyDeleteI knew you would know of this loss too and so my heart went out to you. It is so hard to try and believe. To curb our fears to hope. I am so glad to hear the deuce is doing well. I'm thinking of you.
Was thinking of you ever since I heard the news about Evelynn. It's just staggering and shocking and heartbreaking and terrifying. I have been in and out of sobs for them the last 24 hours.
ReplyDeleteI will offer you no platitudes. Just love and light and lots and lots and lots of "grow baby grow baby grow baby big strong healthy big strong healthy big strong healthy" prayers.
keep breathing mama, it's all we can do. I'm glad the nst and bpp today went well.
xo
I've read about this poor family everywhere today. Today, I feel profoundly lucky. This could have been me. This could have been any of us. How some things go so swimmingly for some of us post loss and not others just doesn't make sense, and isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is broken for them.
Holding you in my thoughts, Brooke. I know this can't be easy for you.
xo
I've gotten caught up in my world and fell massively behind on blog reading, but glad to see this same old continuation update. Are they looking for 10 by 10 accels or 15 by 15?
ReplyDeleteNot much to say other than continued good thoughts and keep going steady. I've managed to reland in antepartum and hoping that we don't have a repeat of prior events...
Thinking of you and other BLM's who are going through pregnancy after a loss. Stay strong and know that so many people rooting for you.
ReplyDeletei just heard the news. i'm sick to my stomach. i just don't get it. :'(
ReplyDeletethinking of you and Deuce and Eliza always...
I almost forgot to tell you--on a walk yesterday I saw a beautiful Eliza tree. :)
ReplyDeleteOh my god my blood is cold, I think I'm barely breathing. Upon reading this I went immediately to search for this woman's blog, as I've seen links but have not kept up with hers. What the hell happened?!?! I can't stand it. Really - can't. This makes me want to run into the woods and disappear and only come out until everyone else's babies come healthy and happy (including mine) and prove to me that life is not so cruel to everyone all the time. Because right now, I don't believe for a second that it isn't.
ReplyDeleteI am sitting in Starbucks crying and feeling like I am going to throw up. What kind of a fucking world is this where this can happen to someone twice? I was not familiar with this woman's blog but also immediately sought it out. I am so angry!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Brooke, and of Becky and her beautiful Evelynn. I've been here long enough to have heard similar stories, but that doesn't make this one any less terrible or heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteI about lost my shit when I heard about Evelynn. As in full on panic attack. It is all so fucked up and the next person who tells me everything is going to just fine is going to get an ear full.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad they are doing BPP's when the deuce has NST difficulties. We earned one on Baby A this am after my panic session. Keep a vigilant eye on your kick counts mamma. Sending hugs and love.
I hadn't been to this mom's blog before, but I went there today & left a message. As I said there, I don't often cry over other people's stories these days, but I did today. Just so horribly frickin' unfair. Once is unfair enough, twice is beyond the pale. :(
ReplyDelete