My husband's brother and his wife are due with the second grandchild (our daughter being the first) a week before we are due with our little boy (our rainbow baby). My husband's brother called on Sunday to tell my husband that his wife wants to use our daughter's name as the middle name for her daughter, and asked if that was ok with us. My husband's brother told us his wife "liked" the name.
A little background--I am not close to his wife, nor has she ever said a word to me about our baby, in nearly a year now of grieving her. She has not provided any support, etc...to us. My husband asked me and it pissed me off, frankly. I told him absolutely not, to tell his brother no. I am angry and upset about it.
Another detail--her baby shower is this weekend. And I have already been chewing my nails over going, simply because it's a baby shower, for a girl. When this happened, I decided not to go. I felt intruded upon, offended, etc...The way I feel about it is, I know we don't "own" her name, but it is our daughter's name, it's very unique, we came up with it from my husband's favorite piece of literature, and we should be the ones to decide if someday another little girl of ours perhaps bears her name for a middle name.
I emailed my mother-in-law, who is throwing the baby shower for my sister-in-law. I told her I probably wouldn't be able to go, and explained what had happened. She wrote me back, essentially telling me I was wrong to think that, that parents should be able to choose whatever name they want, and that the name was "up for grabs" because it's a "family name." She also told me to quit "creating" things to be sad about. I was so incensed from her email I could hardly see straight. I wrote a snarky response, but then deleted it (amazing how age can help wisdom on those things). I haven't told my husband about her email, and may not.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you, other than that I think you'll understand where I'm coming from on this. I am just appalled and perplexed. I just assumed people would "get" me on this. I guess not.
Sincerely,
Name Withheld
Dear Name Withheld,
Ms. B sympathizes tremendously with your predicament. It is indeed a sticky situation. Here is Ms. B's take on the issue:
Of course we don't "own" our children's names. But it is only appropriate for friends and family to use those names if the name usage would have happened regardless of whether the child is alive or dead. Or, in some cases, if the choice is being made specifically in honor of your child.
This is such an important distinction, and it's really all in the way the situation is handled by the parents who are considering re-using the name you had already chosen. It would certainly put Ms. B (and many other bereaved parents, one presumes) over the edge if it seemed that a child's death meant her name got "cancelled" and was back up for grabs. Hopefully this is NOT the way your SIL sees the situation, but she needs to do a better job of communicating with you.
Because the name is a family name, if your SIL wanted to use it for her child's middle name, either to honor the memory of the baby you lost, and/or to carry on a family tradition (as she would have done, even if your baby were here), Ms. B thinks that is acceptable. Once again, it might seem like an issue of semantics, but it's really about compassion, empathy, and tact. ms. B is certain the entire situation would feel different if your SIL (or MIL) had an ounce of any one of those qualities.
Anyway, the way Ms. B sees it, you can cause a stink and see if your SIL changes her mind (which, given your MIL's response to you, seems unlikely).
Or, you can kill them with kindness (even if it's through gritted teeth). Ms. B suggests that you e-mail your SIL and your MIL and say that although you were surprised by the idea at first, you've thought it over and now you realize that this is a beautiful way for them to honor your daughter. (Keep the focus of the e-mail on your baby).
You might mention that keeping your daughter's memory alive is so important to you and your husband, and now you see that your niece's middle name will be a lovely, though poignant, reminder of her cousin, which gives the family name even more of a special meaning.
If you want, you could even say that if you are ever lucky enough to have another baby girl, you will also use that same name as her middle name, for precisely those reasons--because it's a family name that is also in memory of your first child. It could actually be a lovely way to link three little girl cousins!
Ms. B assumes that if your SIL wants to use the name "because she likes it" and, in doing so, pretend that your daughter didn't exist, this approach would demonstrate (in a non-objectionable way) that's not going to happen. And if she feels uncomfortable about honoring your daughter and her memory as she names her own baby, then she will likely reconsider and choose a different name.
But no way would Ms. B bother to attend that baby shower. Send a nice gift and treat yourself to a shopping trip or a matinee instead.
Readers? Anyone ever found themselves in this predicament? Was it peacefully resolved? Ms. B and Name Withheld would love to hear your points of view.
Wishing you the very best,
Ms. B
Of course we don't "own" our children's names. But it is only appropriate for friends and family to use those names if the name usage would have happened regardless of whether the child is alive or dead. Or, in some cases, if the choice is being made specifically in honor of your child.
This is such an important distinction, and it's really all in the way the situation is handled by the parents who are considering re-using the name you had already chosen. It would certainly put Ms. B (and many other bereaved parents, one presumes) over the edge if it seemed that a child's death meant her name got "cancelled" and was back up for grabs. Hopefully this is NOT the way your SIL sees the situation, but she needs to do a better job of communicating with you.
Because the name is a family name, if your SIL wanted to use it for her child's middle name, either to honor the memory of the baby you lost, and/or to carry on a family tradition (as she would have done, even if your baby were here), Ms. B thinks that is acceptable. Once again, it might seem like an issue of semantics, but it's really about compassion, empathy, and tact. ms. B is certain the entire situation would feel different if your SIL (or MIL) had an ounce of any one of those qualities.
Anyway, the way Ms. B sees it, you can cause a stink and see if your SIL changes her mind (which, given your MIL's response to you, seems unlikely).
Or, you can kill them with kindness (even if it's through gritted teeth). Ms. B suggests that you e-mail your SIL and your MIL and say that although you were surprised by the idea at first, you've thought it over and now you realize that this is a beautiful way for them to honor your daughter. (Keep the focus of the e-mail on your baby).
You might mention that keeping your daughter's memory alive is so important to you and your husband, and now you see that your niece's middle name will be a lovely, though poignant, reminder of her cousin, which gives the family name even more of a special meaning.
If you want, you could even say that if you are ever lucky enough to have another baby girl, you will also use that same name as her middle name, for precisely those reasons--because it's a family name that is also in memory of your first child. It could actually be a lovely way to link three little girl cousins!
Ms. B assumes that if your SIL wants to use the name "because she likes it" and, in doing so, pretend that your daughter didn't exist, this approach would demonstrate (in a non-objectionable way) that's not going to happen. And if she feels uncomfortable about honoring your daughter and her memory as she names her own baby, then she will likely reconsider and choose a different name.
But no way would Ms. B bother to attend that baby shower. Send a nice gift and treat yourself to a shopping trip or a matinee instead.
Readers? Anyone ever found themselves in this predicament? Was it peacefully resolved? Ms. B and Name Withheld would love to hear your points of view.
Wishing you the very best,
Ms. B