At the Salad Bar

One of the perks of my job is that I get a free lunch everyday.  Because I loathe packing a lunch, this is great news.  And the dining hall on campus is pretty decent.  At the very least, there's a fresh salad bar every day.  Vegetarian fare is always available.  And it's free, so I can't complain.

Today I was at the salad bar behind a student who was in my comp class last semester.  A nice kid.  I liked him.  He made a spinach salad and then handed over the tongs so I could scoop up my spinach leaves.

As he did so, he casually asked, "Hey, how's the baby?"

And right there at the salad bar, with a pane of glass separating me from neatly sliced vegetables and brightly colored shredded cheese, with fluorescent lights overhead and a college kid in basketball shorts standing next to me, I had to say, "Oh.  Well, we had very sad news.  We lost the baby."

I said it while focusing on pinching green spinach leaves between plastic tongs and transferring them to the little white bowl on my tray.  Concentrating.  Willing myself not to cry.

He said that he was so sorry.

I tried to keep my voice light.  "Yes.  It's been really rough.  Thank you for asking, though.  I'm just glad the semester has started and I can try to get back to normal."

Right.  The semester has started and let me tell you, "normal" is no where to be found.

I walked by the tables full of other faculty and sat at a small table by myself, pulling out a book--my best means of defense against unwanted conversation and escape from undesirable reality.

But it was too late.  My hands were shaking.  My eyes were full of tears threatening to spill over.  My appetite was gone.

I ate two bites of salad before giving up.  I put my tray on the conveyor belt, gathered my things, and headed back to my office to cry.

And now I sit.  Door locked, lights off.  Sunshine spilling in between dusty mini-blinds.  Looking at my computer.  Crying.

I have to teach another class in fifteen minutes.

Why does this have to be my story?  Why do I have to be the one whose baby died?  Why did this have to happen to me?