Saturday, November 13, 2010

Burglar Alarm

So this morning.

On Saturday mornings, I trot off to work at the learning center from 9-4 and unless David has a tee time scheduled, I usually leave him in the living room doing his PX-90 workout or working on his laptop.

Working Saturday mornings occasionally blows (especially on those gorgeous days I want to do nothing but go to the farmer's market and then walk the dogs in the park) but I get enough Saturdays off and I enjoy working there enough that I can't really complain about it.  Plus, I almost always come home to a clean house and a dinner plan, so having a house husband on Saturdays is actually a pretty sweet deal.

Today, David was heading up to Forest Park to participate in a 5K because a bunch of teachers and students from his school had entered as a group and he planned to run with them.  He left the house before I did, so he kissed me good bye around 8:15am.  At 8:45, I should have been in the car already.  I finally gathered up my lunch box, my purse, my school bag with another stack of papers to grade, my water bottle (for lunch), and my hot tea (EarthMother pregnant lady tea).

I had just shuffled everything around in my arms so I could pull the front door closed and lock it, when I realized that I didn't remember sticking my phone in my bag.  So I sighed, shifted my bags, water bottle, and tea around, and opened the door again.

As the door swung open and I stepped up into the house, I came face to face with a man dressed all in black standing in my entry way.

And what did I do?

I let out a blood curdling scream (seriously, it was the kind of scream that would have totally landed me the part of the girl who dies in the opening scene of a horror movie).  I launched my keys at his face--they hit his chest and fell to the floor.  And I stepped back outside the house and slammed the door, leaving him in my living room.

All of this happened in a split second, but in that moment, the rational part of my brain recognized that the strange man in black unexpectedly standing in my living room was, in fact, my husband.

However, the irrational part of my brain had already taken over and by the time David opened the front door to come out on the porch and apologize for scaring me, I was sobbing.  He kept hugging me and saying, "It's just me!  I didn't mean to scare you!" until finally I managed to stammer between sobs, "I know!  What is wrong with me?"

I think it was a moment when pregnancy hormones truly took over because it wasn't like he had startled me, making me surprised and then annoyed.  It was like a fight or flight moment of sheer panic followed by a hysterical meltdown.

Finally I managed to take some deep breaths and pull myself together.  David explained that he hadn't gotten registered as an official team member for the 5K, so he just saw them off at the starting line and then headed home.  He also apologized again, and then made fun of me for spiking my keys at his chest.  He's just lucky that my arms were full, because I was definitely aiming for the eyeballs.

I went inside to wipe the mascara off my cheeks.  I called the learning center to let them know I would be a few minutes late.  And I realized that my cell phone was already in my purse.

It was not the most pleasant way to start my day, but I do believe that shot of adrenaline made me more alert than any cup of coffee ever could.

And now we know that, should I ever confront a burglar, I will scream, throw something, and then cry hysterically.  I am so badass.


  1. The shot of adrenaline probably got Baby Duck going, too, unless your screams scared her stiff!

  2. Was his face covered? I'm picturing him in a ski mask for this to have happened. So sorry I missed this phone call description!

  3. I was all set to call you immediately, then I finished reading. I'm glad it was just David, I swear you had my adrenaline running. I don't know what I thoguht i'd do from here, but I was ready to do something!

  4. This is, perhaps, the most amusing thing I've read in the past week. :-)