Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Stopping the Madness.

So I had a mini-meltdown after our childbirth classes last week.  There was just so much information about diet, about exercise, about everything and all I could think was that I had to follow all of the instructions to the letter and eat all of the grams of protein I'm supposed to eat and do all of the exercises I'm supposed to do and read all of the supplementary reading that is provided and do everything exactly right or else Baby Duck will be born with all kinds of physical problems and brain damage and an Oedipal complex and quite possibly without a conscience.

Hey, it could happen.

It was a crisis of confidence more than anything, and brought on by the stress of regular day to day stuff maybe even more than the baby stuff.  How will I get these papers graded when more assignments keep coming in?  What was I thinking with these back to back due dates for different classes?  Why am I so tired when I am getting a full night's sleep?  Did I make those photocopies or just think about making them?  Have I replied to that e-mail or did I just read it and think I'd reply to it later?  When do I get a couple of days to just catch up without having to do prep work for the next class?

But it manifested itself as, "I'll never eat enough protein without having a protein shake everyday and the instructor said maybe that's not the most ideal way to get protein and now Baby Duck will just be rated 'fair' instead of 'best' by her pediatrician when she's born and I have already failed her and am a terrible mother!"

David laughed at me just a little and said I was being ridiculous.  His exact words were:  "Come on, now.  You're acting like you got a B on a test."

Which I totally was.

So I am trying to chill out.  About teaching and about pregnancy stuff.  Yes, I have a huge stack of papers to grade.  So my students will have to wait until I get them done.  Nobody is chasing me down telling me to hurry up.  I'm putting that pressure on myself.

I signed up for this childbirth class voluntarily and I am paying to be there.  I am an adult who can sort through the information that I want/need and the information that I don't.  I do not have to do every single assignment if I don't have time.  They are not going to fail me or take my baby.  And really most babies are born just fine without their moms stressing out over grams of protein.  Am I right?

So I talked to David about my new, improved perspective, and he agreed with me.  "At least you aren't doing intravenous drugs," he said comfortingly, patting my arm.

OMG, obviously.  Because of the needles!

But seriously.  Baby Duck will be fine.  And I will survive this semester.  There's only six more weeks!  So my new goal is just to get through the next six weeks without driving myself crazy over nothing--or, more precisely, over things I can't control.

But I don't think I'll be watching The Bad Seed this Halloween.  Because that kid-without-a-conscience stuff really does kind of freak me out.

Rhoda.  She looks sweet, but don't be fooled.

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