Monday, May 4, 2009

An Informative Letter

Dear Greenies Smile Competitors,

There are many of you who seem to have entered this contest without reading the rules. Let me refresh you.

It is a SMILE contest.

If your dog is not SMILING, we are not interested in seeing your dog's picture. Even if your dog is otherwise adorable. This is not the "most adorable" contest. This is the smile contest. Sure, all dogs are cute. Mostly. But NOT all dogs are smiling.

Because it is a SMILE contest, certain exclusions apply. Please refer to the following list (which is not complete) for a list of activities/behaviors/poses/expressions that do NOT qualify your (otherwise cute and well-behaved, I'm sure) dog to enter the SMILE contest.

1. Hanging out on the back of the sofa is NOT a smile. Even if you are wearing a dress, Molly. Even if your dress is studded with rhinestones.

2. Sticking your tongue out is NOT a smile.
Although it is possible to smile and stick out your tongue at the same time (see Taffy, below),
a panting tongue ALONE does not count as a smile (I'm talking to you, Helmutt).

3. Looking confused (and sort of pissed off) is NOT a smile, Casper. Even if your teeth ARE showing. Sort of.

4. Barking is not smiling, Jake. Although it might look like very scary laughter. This is not a laughing contest.

5. Holding a stick in your mouth actually prevents you from smiling, Rambo. Also, you look like a tool. Sorry.

6. Sleeping is not smiling. Even if you are a cute little puppy named Nikki and you are snuggled up with your favorite stuffed animal. Still NOT SMILING.

7. Just because you have an underbite does not mean that you smile all the time. Does it, Roc? No. I didn't think so.

8. Being a cute puppy is not smiling. I know this may come as a shock to you, Chance. But even though you are kinda cute, and you have your front legs in some kind of bizarre bowl-supported-by-carved-wooden-elephants, you are not smiling.

9. This one is hard to write, but I have to say it. Standing around in what appears to be a professional photograph on an all-white backdrop, looking pitiful in a back brace (or perhaps an adult diaper?) is not the same thing as smiling. Sorry, Poco, but it's true.

10. A growl is not a smile, Crickett. Believe me, if it were a GROWLING contest, Little Mac would also be an excellent candidate. But it is a Smile Contest. You should be SMILING but instead you look totally pissed off.

11. Pitiful puppy dog eyes does NOT equal smiling. If it were a pitiful puppy dog eyes contest, Cooper would win. But it is not, K.C., so even though you are CUTE, you should be disqualified.

12. Sitting on the couch with your siblings and wearing coordinating bandanas is NOT smiling. And seriously, have you ever seen three more morose looking pugs?

Now that you have read these rules, if you realize that you were mistaken/misguided/misinformed/drunk/stoned/out of your mind when you entered your pet's UNsmiling photograph, kindly remove it from the contest so that Little Mac can be declared the UNANIMOUS AND OFFICIAL WINNER and she can begin her quest for Greenies Sponsorship and World Domination.

Thank you very much for your time,

Postscript: There are almost 400 pages of pet photographs, and I would say it is a safe bet that less than 50% of those pets are ACTUALLY SMILING. I could not even find Little Mac's picture today to vote for her.

I am so officially over Greenies and their smile contest that does not even bother to weed out the riffraff.

But still, if you have 2 hours + to kill, please locate Little Mac and vote for her! Meanwhile, she'll be watching television.


  1. I'm a little partial to Cocker Spaniels and I can see a smile on Taffy's face and in her eyes. Tia Favorita.

  2. Yes, Taffy is an example of smiling with her tongue out. I included her picture as a contrast to Helmutt.

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