Friday, March 20, 2009

Because Jesus turned water into wine

So we went to a church social.

Our church decided to have a food night for young couples age 25-35. So D and I decided to show up. Partly because they asked if they could put our names on the invitations. (Because we are local celebrities and therefore a HUGE DRAW.) Only I was slightly annoyed because they misspelled "you're" on the invitations ("Please let us know your coming!") and seriously if my name is on something can we EDIT FOR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS PEOPLE???

Anyway, I didn't know any of the people who were going to be there. New social situations and small talk make me uncomfortable. AND right before Church Social, I had to attend Faculty Colloquium at school. So I listened to two professors deliver papers that were actually interesting (you know, race relations in the Caribbean and the nuclear fallout that has irradiated everyone in North America only the government is keeping it a secret). Afterward was the typical "eat our cheese, drink our wine, and say pretentious things to one another" reception that the English department holds without fail following lectures/colloquiums/poetry readings.

Between the upcoming Church Social and the Pressing Need to Say Pretentious Things Within Earshot of My Advisor and WTF we are all radioactive??!!! I ended up having a couple of glasses of wine. Small glasses. Just enough to make me feel chatty.

And then it was adios to the university crowd, howdy-do to the Strangers At Church crowd. And guess what? I totally brought my A-game. I was charming and friendly and fun and pleasant. Yes, I spilled my water at dinner when gesturing somewhat wildly, but am sure that had NOTHING to do with the glass(es) of wine.

Unfortunately, David (who is known is our circle as "the mayor" because of his stellar social skills) did NOT bring his A-game. I was CARRYING his ass.

We eat dinner at a 4-top table with another couple. They are sort of weird but harmless. I ask how they met. They met online! They seem a little hesitant to tell us this, but I quickly smooth it over, "Awesome! My best friend met her fiance online! They are getting married in June!" (Obviously I am supportive of online love! Online love is for EVERYONE.) We chat about their engagement, wedding date, blah blah blah. I say, "So where do you live?" The girl (I'll call her Stacey) says, "In Shrewsbury." I say, "Oh, I go to Jazzercise in Shrewsbury, blah blah blah."

Then D says, to the dude, (I'll call him Todd), "So, where do you live?" Even though if he had been paying attention to their previous conversation, it would have been clear that they had alluded to living TOGETHER.

So Todd sort of sheepishly and awkwardly nods toward Stacey and says, "Shrewsbury."

And THEN the table goes silent because I have already talked about Shrewsbury and am now chewing pizza. And for some reason D has NOTHING to say and instead prefers to make it seem like he just called them out on living together pre-marriage.

As if we care! As if we didn't do the same! But instead of saying something normal, he totally changes the subject, letting Todd and Stacey think we are judgmental churchy people. And he later makes a comment about moving to St. Louis after we got married, for some bizarre reason implying that we did not live together for a year before the wedding. Because we are so freaking HOLY. ( Meanwhile, I am secretly thinking that it is so GREAT that the garlic bread will TOTALLY kill my wine breath.)

So after dinner we all gather as a big group and we have to go around and say 2 things that are true about ourselves and 1 thing that isn't. (Some people hate this stuff, but I'm all, FUN!)

So I say, "I am a graduate student in English literature. Before I came here for grad school, I studied classical ballet. And I have a little dog who bites people."

Everyone is all, "You don't have a little dog that bites!" And I'm all, "Yes I do! But I did not study ballet! I am a klutz who spilled her water at dinner!" Hahaha everyone laughs. I am so charmingly self-deprecating and extremely delightful.

David says something boring and everyone easily guesses his lie because he is a terrible liar and his lie is so boring I can't even remember what it was.

Then we get to Todd who says, "I am a Cardinals fan. I'm in a Star Wars costume club. And I have two brothers."

David practically SHOUTS, "Haha! No way you're in a Star Wars costume club!" (laughs)

Todd, somewhat abashededly, "No, that's true." (small pause for awkward silence)

I think to myself, "WTF, David????" (also thinking WTF, Todd???)

The final moment of David's Collossal Failure at Social Skills was when I sat down to talk with this other couple who is splitting a CSA share with us this summer (Community Shared Agriculture). A church member has a connection with an organic farmer and is organizing a CSA through our church. I have been interested in this ever since I picked up a flyer way at the Earth Day festival way back when. So I got in touch with the guy organizing it and he sent me an e-mail with prices and schedules and all that. I forwarded the e-mail to David. I then discussed it with him and talked about it on at least FIVE separate occasions. "It is a little more expensive, but it is eating local! And supporting a local organic farmer! Plus, this will be such a great challenge! We will make all kinds of stuff! We will break out of our food rut! I will do more cooking! Look I already found a recipe for chocolate chip zucchini cookies! Yum!"

At every point, David has been NOTHING BUT AGREEABLE about the CSA. And then - as I am signing the f*&%ing contract sitting across the table from the girl who is splitting our shares and the man who knows the farmer and has organized all of this - David says loudly, "How much is this?" (leans over me to look at contract) "That seems kind of expensive for produce."

I spun around in my chair and GLARED at him with a look of DEATH. And TRUST ME, if looks could kill, he would have been writhing helplessly on the floor with blood spurting from a major artery as I signed my name on the contract and wrote a check for our share. He could obviously tell that my look said, "Shut the f&*$ up" (or maybe I was silently mouthing that at him.)

So David made lame attempts to make small talk with the minister and I went on being charming and sociable with everyone, "Oh! Can't wait to sort out our vegetables! Oh my gosh, I will totally be the coordinator for your wedding!" until we finally left and got in the car, at which time I gave David the pissed off rant that he was expecting (and, I think we can all agree, deserving) for (1) calling out the engaged couple for living together and acting all holier-than-thou; (2) openly mocking Todd's membership in the Star Wars costume club; (3) embarrassing me by suddenly objecting to the CSA that I had discussed with him on NUMEROUS OCCASIONS.

He actually agreed that I was right about all of those things but he also said that I should consider myself lucky that he DIDN'T say during his introduction time, My name is David. I teach k-2 grade PE. I'm from Kansas. And my wife is drunk right now."

So that made me laugh (I would have had to insist to everyone that he is actually from California! Hahaha!). And he admitted that he really was in poor form tonight.

Fortunately, a glass of wine improves my social skills to such a degree that I think I was able to make up for him. And we had lots of material to laugh about on the way home. So the church social I was dreading turned out to be pretty entertaining after all.

And, yes, we ARE signed up for the CSA.

And, yes, David recognizes my extreme sensitivity to being embarrassed in public (I mean, really, I can knock over a water glass and embarrass myself, thankyouverymuch) so he just walked in the door with:

*Chinese food!
*peanutbutter oreos!

And -- just when you think life can't GET any better than this --

* the movie Twilight!!!

And I'm out.

1 comment:

  1. I think your (or is it you're -ha!) Catholic friends have confused you - we Methodists don't drink at church events (at least ones held at the church!)
    Good for David - anyone who belongs to a Star Wars Costume Club should be laughed at in public!