Monday, May 21, 2018

Coffee Chat: Talking Points and Questions

I saw the Ruth Bader Ginsburg documentary last week--RBG. It was awesome because SHE is
awesome. The GOP is steadily working to diminish and roll back her life's work toward gender equality and it infuriates me. She is a force to reckon with, though, and I hope that we will see her legacy continue.

I saw it with my friend Erin and after the movie I talked her ear off and it was clear that we haven't been hanging out enough and that I have lots of things to say. So here are some talking points I would have if we were going to get coffee:

(1) I have a long summer reading list that I won't reproduce here, but I already crossed So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeomo Oluo off of it when I read it in two days last week. It made me think about an experience I had in a waiting room when I was sitting with Coco and a grandmother (who was black) was there with her grandson (who was also black). He was about Coco's age and was very active--up and down, out of his seat, interested in any book that Coco picked up, and had a very small personal space. I was sitting there thinking about white culture and personal space and how I am culturally trained to have a pretty big personal space.

Meanwhile, this grandma was really getting on to her grandson for things I thought were no big deal--he wasn't being rough or wild--he was just acting like an ordinary, busy, active preschooler. And then I started thinking about how early we start viewing black boys as rough or even violent and about how his grandmother's discipline is maybe partly because any preschooler can kind of drive you bonkers but also because she knows how high the stakes are for him, and that if he can't regulate his physical activity, he's going to get in more trouble than a white girl like Coco will. I was thinking about how if he had a book she wanted and she turned to an adult with those big sad eyes that she makes, that her little white girl tears would be a power move that would likely result in him getting in trouble. It was painful and frustrating to feel trapped in that racial dynamic. And it reiterated to me how important it is to talk openly and honestly to my children about race and cultural differences and power dynamics.

(2) Sort of related to that has been the recent news that the school shooter in Santa Fe, Texas may have been motivated by his assumption that he was entitled to a girl's affection and his anger when she did not reciprocate his feelings. It terrifies me that this is somehow perceived as a masculine reaction to a perceived rejection. I'm not saying anyone thinks it is appropriate, but I am saying that it is something that seems to culturally align to Things White Men Do When Women Reject Them.

I have a friend from grad school who wrote a Facebook highlighting the problem with headlines like "Spurned Advances Provoked Texas School Shooting, Victim's Mother Said." Do you SEE the problem with that headline? Do you see how it seems to explain  what happened as though it makes some kind of SENSE? As though "spurned advances" are the trigger instead of misogyny and warped male ego (not to mention access to firearms)?

My (male) friend wrote, "This is the rhetoric of rape culture and only affirms the kind of toxic masculinity that produces such violence. A better headline would read something like: 'Young man who feels entitled to women's bodies kills a bunch of people.'"

How do we raise daughters in a world full of such toxic masculinity? How do we teach them to stand up for themselves and then send them to school to get shot?

My friend Michelle said (in a different context): "Life is pretty much all grey and everything is uncertain. but few people can actually live comfortably-ish in that place. We must assume everything will be fine. In order to survive." I get this. But it is getting harder to assume that schools can prevent young men from killing people with guns. And since our congress seems unwilling to act (Dear Roy Blunt, I hope the NRA money is making a comfy pillow for you because I do not know how you sleep at night) I am just beside myself.

(3) My baby Zuzu graduated from kindergarten and I'm not sure how because I thought that yesterday she was a literal ACTUAL baby. And instead she's all tall and she has actual elbows where she used to have pudge and dimples and she says things like, "Actually..." in conversations in which she's trying to convince me that she's right and I'm wrong about pretty much everything. Oh, man. I love her so much it's crazy.

(4)  David and I stumbled upon a Netflix series called Safe that is super good and suspenseful and has the guy from Dexter in it but he talks with a British accent. A winner all around (no plot spoiling... we are only three episodes in).

(5) I was in a TERRIBLE mood all day Saturday and it's really because I was trying to watch the Lifetime movie about Harry and Meghan but the signal cut out on me and then I had to go to live TV and it was already over and now it's only on the Lifetime Movie Channel and David says we are not subscribing to that channel just so I can watch the second half of a Lifetime movie about Harry and Meghan and I say that's obviously because he doesn't love me as much as Harry loves Meghan.

I loved the wedding, but I really wanted to finish the movie and I'm still disgruntled about it.

At first I didn't like her dress as much as Kate's, but the more I looked at it, the more I liked it. I did love the black Episcopal priest and I loved when they sang "Stand By Me." I thought it was all so well done and she looked so beautiful and everybody talked nonstop about how she's 36 years old and that's how old Diana was when she died. Which is CRAZY. Also crazy that Diana got married at age 20 or whatever. I wondered what Meghan and her mom talked about in that Rolls Royce. Like can you IMAGINE how surreal that must have been? Hey, remember how I grew up in LA and became an actress and now I'm marrying a prince? NBD.

Also funny is that Zuzu watched a bit of the Lifetime movie with me and then watched some of the wedding. The casting of the movie was pretty great so she assumed it was the same people and asked me why Harry made his hair like that (balding!) for his wedding. LOL. Princess Diana did so much for those guys' good looks, but she clearly couldn't control the lose-your-hair gene.

(6) I bought a pool pass for the summer. Question: How old do your kids have to be before it's acceptable to just sit and read a book while they play in the pool? 4 and 6 is too young, right? But what if the water is shallow? #goals

(7) I've been listening to this podcast called "The Babysitters' Club Club." I do not recommend this podcast for everyone, but it has a very specific kind of humor that I dig. It's these two guys in their 30's reading the books and analyzing them the way we (in the English Department) analyze canonical texts. To me, it is hilarious. I mean, CAN we just do a Marxist reading of the economy in these books? CAN we all just talk about an Oedipal reading of Mary Ann and her daddy issues? ISN'T likely that there is some kind of postmodern, postapocalyptical world at work here? AREN'T these girls modeling how to take down the patriarchy and/or assimilate within it? There's lots of adult language and it's so nerdy and so funny.

(8) I heard about that podcast from another podcast that I think has a more general appeal--"Sorta Awesome" with Meg Tietz. It's a mom-friendly show and Meg has a great radio voice. They start with their "awesome of the week" which is often a book, a podcast, a TV show, or a make up product, or sometimes a recipe, and then the shows are loosely themed. I love it the way I love reading magazines. It's light, it's friendly, it's funny, and their podcast recommendations are legit. Meg is also a producer for "Smartest Person in the Room" podcast which is currently doing a series on race and culture that is also really good (Laura Tremaine hosts that one and she asks the kind of questions that most white people have about race but we are afraid to ask them)

(9) I rarely do this on the internet, but I'm not asking for some advice: Zuzu has been all over the place about her birthday party--where she wants it, what theme she wants, whom she wants to invite, etc. I've been mostly ignoring her as she changes her mind a million times. I have a room reserved at a bookstore that will host an "art party" for her and she can invite up to 11 friends. After being invited to a couple of birthday parties that specified no gifts, she asked me if her friends could please bring gifts. LOL. I'm okay with that, but would prefer to keep it smaller in that case. Here are my questions:  Is it important that we invite everyone who has invited her to a party? Do people care about that?

She said this morning she wants the party at her house and I said that was fine but she could only invite four friends (thinking that would end the conversation). Instead, she named the four friends she wanted (NOT the names I would have guessed or was expecting except for one of them). Should I just roll with that and let her have a small party at home? Or should I stick with my previous plan to go to the bookstore? Should I really let her make the guest list, or should I insist that we include people who have included her? She's really only interested in inviting girls, but I do want to foster friendships with boys, too... but in my biased opinion, girls are so much easier (read: less physically active and somewhat quieter though quite shrill)... Is it fine to already have a one-gender-only party? I know it's HER birthday, so why am I making such a big deal out of this? It is quite literally causing me stress and I want to send out the invitations this week. What would you do?????

(10) I have an Eliza bracelet that spelled out her name on silver block beads and I used to wear it every day on my left wrist with my watch. The bracelet clasp has broken, but I also realized it was scratching up the face of my watch. Now I have a new watch and I want a new bracelet, but I'd like to wear it with my watch so that I can wear it every single day (I tend to switch out bracelets on my right wrist). Is there a bracelet that won't scratch my watch? Is that a stupid question? I want it to be small and not clunky but not too delicate that the chain can't take daily wear. Silver would match my watch, but I also like the idea of yellow gold... Anyway, if you have a go-to Etsy shop or know of the perfect personalized bracelet, send it my way, will you?

7 comments:

  1. Thanks for the Netflix recommendation! After reading your blog, we watched the first episode (and a half) last night! So good and can't wait to watch more!

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  2. You definitely do not need to invite all of the children who have invited Zuzu to a party. In first and second grade, kids start to drop the inviting-the-whole-class thing and just invite good friends. I commend your wanting her to have friends of both genders. We have always strived for that, too, but it is nearly impossible to keep up in elementary school. Kids, especially, boys, make a huge deal out of playing with the opposite sex. E's best friend was a boy until this year, and he finally "broke up" with her, I think partly because other boys were making fun of him. Sigh. On the plus side, E is very aware of and very against gender stereotypes, so I guess we are still winning in that regard.

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  3. As long as you won't be losing a big deposit, I would go with what Zuzu has requested. I don't think there is any obligation to invite all those that invited her at this age; so many people just invite the whole class and do not expect any specific returns, IMHO. My daughters are both fairly introverted, so we usually have just had a family party, and maybe 1-3 other kids if we do have others over. And all girls is fine with a party that size. One boy added in might be awkward/token.

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  4. Re: #2: It's amazing how often, when you examine the lives of these mass murderers, there is either (a) misogyny/domestic violence (b) cruelty to animals or (c) both in their backgrounds. :( I think both Amanda Marcotte & Rebecca Traister have written pieces on this lately.

    Re: #5/the wedding: I heard that Meghan's mom was pregnant with her when she watched Charles & Diana's wedding on TV... and 36 years later, here's her daughter marrying their son. Kind of blew my mind. ;) Glad Zuzu enjoyed the wedding. I was about her age when I first learned about the royal family (we had a unit about them at school), & it's been a lifelong fascination for me since then.

    Re: #9, not that I know anything about kids' parties these days ;) but I agree with the others above that you don't need to invite her entire class. I'm always amazed by parents who do that...!!

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  5. Yes invite them all! I always feel FOMO for kids left out-- why start that young? Invite as many as you can afford and say nothing about gifts because any mention of gifts on an invitation is RUDE RUDE RUDE (can you tell this has been bothering me? I am so over the no gifts please.)

    Also! In my experience 4 and 6 means you can sit with a book at the pool, but we go to a private pool that is very uncrowded. Might be different at a public pool?

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  6. Girls may well be less physical than boys, but in my also biased opinion as the mother of 4 (now adult) sons, the earlier/younger children foster relationships with both sexes, the better they become at inclusion and learning what makes others “tick”, so to speak. Slight tangent here, but I worked in a public elementary school and the grade 8 girls would come in at lunchtime to help supervise the little ones, peeling fruit, opening juice packs etc. The boys weren’t even asked. How will we raise our young men to be good parent/caregiver material if they’re not exposed to the simplist of tasks?

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  7. Long time reader and I have finally figured out how to comment on here! Just wanted to leave a note telling you that I just love the wild combination of things you write about and the way you approach raising your children :)

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