Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Recipe for a Monday Morning

Ingredients:
whiny 19 month old with runny nose
daily shower
dog with disgusting appetites
office hours that begin at 9am

Directions:
Wake up on time.

Hear through monitor that baby wakes up earlier than her usual time.

Take lightning speed shower while baby starts fussing in her crib.

Wrap up in towel, get baby out of crib, change diaper, put clothes on baby.

Listen to baby whine and fuss and watch her pull all your shoes off the shelves while you dress.

Run downstairs to get sippy of milk and bowl of cheerios for baby.

Listen to baby shriek at top of stairs as though you have permanently abandoned her.

Run back upstairs, give baby sippy cup and cheerios.

Turn on hair dryer without turning off space heater.

Blow breaker by running hair dryer and space heater at the same time.

Curse under your breath.

Run down two flights of stairs with half-wet hair to basement to flip breaker switch.

Listen to baby shriek at top of stairs as though you have permanently abandoned her.

Enter basement and discover dog is in the laundry room.

Gasp aloud as you realize that dog is digging through and eating a bag of dirty cloth diapers that husband inexplicably left on the floor of the laundry room.

Run back up two flights of stairs with half-wet hair.

Anger baby by wiping her snotty nose.

Continue drying hair.

Realize noise of hair dryer is preferable to noise of whining baby.

Turn off hair dryer and listen to baby whine while you put on make up as quickly as possible.

Encourage baby to use her words.  Listen to her wail incoherently in protest.

Pick up baby and wipe her nose again.

Call husband because dog eating poop is not something that can be suffered alone.

Gag in disgust when you catch dog sticking his poop-eating nose in baby's bowl of Cheerios.

Lock dog on other side of baby gate at top of stairs.

Listen to dog and baby whine for each other through baby gate.

Put on boots and jewelry.

Carry baby, phone, paperback book, two extra outfits for baby, and bag of diapers downstairs.

Microwave bowl of instant oatmeal for two minutes while packing baby's yogurt and fruit, pouring juice to drink, and making cup of coffee.  Do all of this one-handed while baby insists on being held.

Eat oatmeal, sharing with baby.

Run outside to start car.

Come back in, chase down baby while saying, "I am not going to chase you down!" in a firm tone.  Wrestle baby into coat and hat.

Load up baby, diaper bag, and bag of other daycare supplies (blanket, pacifier, change of clothes).
Realize dog has followed you outside.

Sprint back to house to let dog inside.

Grab purse, paperback copy of Heart of Darkness, and cup of coffee.

Sprint back to car.

Head for daycare and work.

Try not to feel tired, considering it's only 8:05am.

15 comments:

  1. The horror. The horror.
    Good thing Cooper is such a sweetie!

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  2. The baby poop being eaten by the dog is enough to run my morning, too.

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  3. Holy Moly! I'm exhausted just reading that!!!

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  4. Ugh! And it's only Tuesday!!

    c'mon Friday.. er wait. You're a mom. ha!

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  5. Roscoe ate the crotch out of finns nighttime diaper and one of Mary's diapers with wipes. The next morning he threw up the wipes. Asshole.

    Good work, mom. Monday's are a bitch.

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  6. We do lots of chasing before wrangling baby into her coat and hat in our house too. It's exhausting.

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  7. Oh just wait! Luke's latest thing is to take off his shoes and socks while I am getting Matthew ready. So freaking annoying. Even as some parts get easier, they come up with new tricks!

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  8. Groan. Stupid poop eating dogs. I used to have a lovely black lab who ate her own shit. No kidding. It was gross and convenient at the same time!

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  9. Monique wins comment award for that last sentence.

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  10. Gah! Hate mornings like that!

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  11. Things about motherhood they left out at school.

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  12. I've got a sick 15 month old at home right now, I can so relate!

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  13. The diaper eating. Gag. gag. gag.

    What a morning. I'm exhausted.

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  14. ha!! i'll pass on that, thanks! :D #superwoman

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