Monday, November 26, 2012

Not Ready

The holiday weekend came and went and was really nice, even with the germ-fest of sickness.  We ate a lot and shopped a little and mostly let the baby entertain us and it was lovely.

But I think the menu planning and decorating and shopping was mostly serving as a distraction.  It was serving as a buffer from the next major event on the calendar...

Eliza's birthday.

Just typing those words makes my eyes fill up with tears.

Thanksgiving is over and now there's nothing standing between me and the day I received the worst news I could have ever imagined and met that baby I loved more than I could have ever imagined.  And you guys I'm not ready for it to be here again.

I'm not ready for it to have been two years.

I'm not ready to have lived for two years without that baby girl.

I'm not ready to mourn two years--twenty-four months--without her.  I'm also not ready to mourn what was essentially a year and a half of my life stolen away--lost to grief and sorrow and selfishness and aching sadness.  

I'm not ready to remember those early black days of December 2010.

I'm not ready to have been a bereaved parent for so long that new grief startles me and gives me flashbacks.

I'm not ready to have the tears coming back so easily.

I'm not ready to feel the kind of tired that comes with being so damn sad.

I'm not ready for it to be December--that cold, dark, sparkly month that will never be like it was before Eliza and now will never be like it was before Zuzu and I don't know what to do with that.

I'm not ready to figure out how I'll handle Christmas this year, with all the sad mixed with the happy.

I'm not ready to go to another candlelight vigil and cry outside in the dark with a bunch of other people who are also missing their babies.

I'm not ready to have those evenings where David and I mope around and I cry and then we try to make each other laugh with black humor and we talk about things we should do and we do nothing because every little effort feels too damn hard.

I'm not ready to drag myself up from the depths of despair.  I'm not ready to remind myself how many good things have come from Eliza's life.  I'm not ready to find the energy to keep going when I want to just fall apart.

I don't want to think back to where I was two years ago.  I don't want to think about where we should have been today.  I am not ready for that inevitable exercise in self-torture (even though I do it all the time).

The calendar is going to flip.  The days are inexorably marching forward.  December 6th is coming, whether I'm ready for it or not.

I'm not.

I'm so not ready.


20 comments:

SG said...

Exactly. Oh, December, you twisted and emotional month. Why are you back so soon?

Monique said...

I'm sorry your season of grief is upon you. Sending you much love.

Jessica said...

I'm not ready either....still trying to figure out how we've made it so long without our babies.

aryanhwy said...

I'm not sure this is the sort of thing you'll ever be ready for.

Katy said...

Hugs

Amy L. said...

Sending you love and peace as Eliza's time approaches. <3

Angie said...

Hugs to you. For me, the days leading up to it are usually as bad or worse than the actual day. xo

TanaLee Davis said...

I just lived this torture you just blogged about...the first of my sad/mixed memories. June is my month of real depression but this is the start. Hugs to you, hoping zuzu will help curb some of that crushing grief.
~Felicia

Sara said...

I feel the exact same way when August rolls around every year. And what I've found to be the best for me is to expect nothing. When I've had high hopes for my feelings (thinking...you know what...I'll be happy today!) things inevitably fall horribly short and when I've thought I should be sad as hell and am actually ok...I feel guilty about that too. I guess my point is...just live one second at a time. For me, it's just a matter of getting through the month. Many times the anticipation of it is the worst...Sending you much love from WY to MO!

Anonymous said...

I will be thinking of you. I really wanted to make the trek to St. Louie next month to be at the Angel. To be with all the other grieving parents. But I cannot this year due to my 7 year old niece having a sickly mole cut off her face. I will be there with you in spirit and remembering Eliza with you always. 2 years is a long time to be without our babies. ~Missy

Mama Bear said...

Hugs for Eliza. xoxo

Amelia said...

I'm with you. Sending love.

Renel said...

I'm not there yet but I will be and I know that sucked down to the bottom of a pit feeling around the birthday should have beens. I wonder how it will be having our rainbows here. Better, worse, the same? Never know till you're in it. I hope the holidays are better for all of us this year. I plugged through them for Kai last year. I'm hoping to actually enjoy them this year. But... You never know until you're in it. Caroline with cuddle you in your dark times. I remember saying how a 2.5 year old should never know the burden of my Heart. But... That's what family is for. The amazing thing about children is that love is never a burden for them and so they will give you all the love you need. Crying, joyful, sad, happy. They will smile at you and your heart will fill with love. Even while you're missing. I know Caroline will do this for you this Christmas.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh god I get this, I really do.
xo

Veronica said...

Brooke, I've been thinking of you lots lately.

I've been looking at you're little Zuzu, and can't help but see that baby girl in that beautiful picture. Drawn so beautifully ..your first baby duck. Eliza.

I know they are different children, but...

I see her. I see her in your and David's faces..., in Caroline's nose, and adorable expressions.

I miss her too.

And yes,this is a twisted time of year. I didn't lose my boy in December...but I was waiting for him just around its corner.

"...cold dark, sparkly month...". Well said. I'm still so sorry.

Love to you, my friend

Hannah said...

Delurking and praying for gentle days ahead <3

March is for daffodils said...

How could you ever be ready? Thinking of you and Eliza.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry. I am sending good thoughts your way as this difficult time approaches.

Addi's mom said...

I'm so not ready either, infact I think I'm in denial that its really coming. Ugh December.

Kim said...

Thinking of you as the days draw closer, especially right before Christmas. It is so overwhelming to have so many mixed emotions. Wishing you peace.