Saturday, July 7, 2012

Comment

I wrote yesterday's post as Caroline napped on David's lap.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I hit "publish" even though I wasn't satisfied with my attempt to put into words exactly what I was feeling.  Had to let to go, though--hungry baby waits for no blogger!

But the amazing thing about zee interwebz is the way that you can put a half-articulated thought out there and get an answer back that's exactly what you need to hear.  Renel's comment on my post yesterday was just that.  And even though we'd all wish to never know one another, to never share the experience of losing a child, her comment was yet one more example of all the reasons I wish that I could meet up with so many of you, to cry our way through happy hour and stay up all night laughing without trying to explain the inherent contradictions and complications of love and loss.

Just in case your life is such that you don't have time to go back and troll yesterday's post for comments, I wanted to post what Renel wrote here (iPhone typos corrected just because I think she'd prefer that):

I get this in a reverse kind of way. I miss Camille all the time, every day like you miss Eliza, but who were they? We will never know and that hurts in a very tangible real way. You have Caroline to help you realize what you were missing but it does not give you who Eliza would be. I had Kai before hand and I knew exactly what I was missing only in girl form, but I still didn't know who Camille was or is. The strangest part of loving and missing a baby who is dead is that their deadness does not decrease the love and not knowing them seems almost to add to the tragedy to feel so acutely the loss without the specifics if a personality. It is odd for me and difficult to navigate because we want something to grasp onto other that the expectation and the fantasy we created around a child who should have come home with us. I'm so incredibly glad you have Caroline. That you get the opportunity to mother another child is so wonderful. But having a child either before or after does not diminish the love you have for your other child. There is room in your heart for all of your kids, something I was fearful would not be the case when pregnant with Camille. Your heart just grows to accommodate, it does not split or move one love to the side, it simply grows.


The sentence that really gets to me is "The strangest part of loving and missing a baby who is dead is that their deadness does not decrease the love and not knowing them seems almost to add to the tragedy to feel so acutely the loss without the specifics of a personality."  Yes.  That's exactly what I was trying to say.


8 comments:

  1. My heart feels so heavy lately. The missing is heavy, the grief is huge... 4 months and 1 week...roughly
    Your last post, and Renels comment said it all. I am aching to be pregnant again, and to have a living baby, a living child to have and hold...to love and raise
    But only parents who I am in present company with could understand this life that I'm propelled into.
    This is all so wildly unreal. Yet, here I am, sitting, reading, aching, grieving...to no end.

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  2. You both put it perfectly and beautifully.

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  3. Very well said, all of it.

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  4. She is so wise in ways no one should be.

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  5. Ditto, Caroline.

    For those who don't have rainbows yet, this hits me with, dare I type...hope.

    ~Cava

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  6. You both nailed it. And my perspective on things has certainly changed since I landed myself on the "living baby" side of the fence.
    xo

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  7. Oh Brooke.- it is so hard this life without our daughters. We keep going, laughing, loving, living... Because we are, after all, still living and there is so much to be happy for. The happy doesn't take away the sad, but I am grateful for the happy when it comes. I wish we lived closer like you said so we could love our living ones and miss our dead ones together. Love to you my friend. Glad you were able to make any of that comment coherent. :)

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  8. All the people who say, "But you didn't get to know her/him" need to read your last post, & that comment.

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