Monday, June 11, 2012

Mindwarp

Here we are in week 37.  The Deuce is officially Term.  In fact, my high-risk doctor would have approved a delivery of the Deuce TODAY (assuming amnio showed the lungs were mature enough).

OMG.  That's kind of mind-boggling.

As I mentioned before, we've decided to stick with my OB's plan of monitoring carefully and then evaluating our options once we hit 39 weeks.  I am so impatient to hold this baby in my arms, but I also don't want to drag him or her out of me early if he or she appears to be thriving in there.  

During my fluid check today, Deucers was totally sticking out his/her tongue and trying to suck on his/her hand, which was pretty much the most damned adorable thing EVER.  (Even the nurse exclaimed at the cuteness and she sees babies all day every day, so we can only assume this means that the Deuce is extra-awesome and cuter than the usual fetus).  Sure looked like a happy baby in there, passing the non-stress test with ease (here's plenty of accelerations in twenty minutes, piece of cake) and floating around in 15.75 cm of fluid.  

And so we wait.

After unpacking and washing baby clothes a couple weeks ago, David and I decided that the Deuce needed a Coming Home outfit of his/her own.  I had visions of a two-piece, yellow polka-dotted pj set, made out of that super soft bamboo fabric.  So we headed to a local baby store to scope out their selection.

EVERYTHING was gendered.  It was all pink or blue, or green-but-obviously-for-a-boy, or turquoise-but-obviously-for-a-girl and we could not agree on anything.  I wanted a blue shirt with a dragon on it that was paired with white pants since it is the Year of the Dragon and we just went to this awesome Chinese lantern exhibit at the Botanical Garden and saw all kinds of amazing dragons.  I argued it was gender neutral enough.  I mean, girls can have white pants with blue flames on them, right?

But David said it was too boyish, and he kept looking at pink ruffled things (of course, he thinks the Deuce is a girl).  They had some sweet items on sale for 40% off, but even I had to admit that there was nothing that would really suit either or a boy or a girl (and I know it doesn't matter, but dammit, I just want the outfit to be perfect!).

David asked me at one point if we'd be able to return sale items.  I just shrugged.  I didn't know, and I didn't really want to think about it.  I was disappointed that my yellow polka dotted dream outfit was nonexistent.

We ended up leaving empty-handed, and decided to go to the mall later this week.

On my way home, I complaining to a friend about the utter lack of gender neutrality in baby clothes.  She suggested that we buy one outfit for each gender and take both to the hospital.

What the WHAT?

(You're probably all nodding and thinking, yeah, Genius, why didn't you think about that a long time ago....?  I mean, in retrospect it seems TOTALLY OBVIOUS).

I have no idea why this thought had NEVER OCCURRED to me.  I like to think that the skills I honed in graduate school--critical thinking, creative problem solving, careful analysis--can serve me well in daily life, but as for a creative (or some might even say "obvious") solution to the problem of What Will The Deuce Wear Home?...  I was totally at a loss.

So I exclaimed to David, "OMG!  Sarah says we should just buy one boy outfit and one girl outfit!  Then we can return or gift the other one!  Why didn't we think of that?"

David said, "I did think of that.  That's why I asked you if they'd take returns on sale items."

And that, my friends, is a communication FAIL.  That's not what I understood him to mean AT ALL.

I said, "Oh.  I thought you were asking that just in case this baby dies, too."

And then we both started laughing, NOT at the idea of the Deuce dying, but that kind of horrified and creeped out laugh at how f*cked up it is that my mind went directly to WORST CASE SCENARIO.  I mean, who does that?  Could I possibly have jumped to a worse conclusion?  My mind is warped.

This is the less obvious but lingering damage of losing a child, I guess.  To believe deep down that everything could be lost once more.  And to believe this so emphatically that you assume that everyone else is thinking the same thing.

I'm wondering, of course, if the Deuce is a boy or a girl, but in reality, my energy is spent worrying about whether the Deuce will come home with us at all.  (Just ask the nurse I had today, who patiently explained to me what the non-stress test results would look like if there were an issue with the umbilical cord.)  

After all the fear, all the worry, all the grief, all the hope, I am still having a hard time believing that we're going to get a live baby at the end of all this.

Next time we'll come home from shopping with something pink and something blue.

And two-to-three weeks from today, we'd better come home from the hospital with a baby.

32 comments:

  1. Oh, still thinking so many good thoughts for you! I am really eager to hear the safe delivery/boy or girl news too!

    Today James wore very obviously boy swim trunks to the pool with a pink and purple swim vest passed down by a neighbor.

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  2. "And to believe this so emphatically that you assume that everyone else is thinking the same thing." <--YES, I have to catch myself sometimes because I automatically assume everyone else is terrified this baby is going to die as well, when in reality they are so SURE she is ok.

    2-3 weeks from now we will all find out which outfit you get to use! :)

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  3. When I was pregnant with Finn I went on the wait list for a daycare and asked if they had a refund policy. She seemed to think I was asking in case we changed our mind and went with another daycare. But I was asking becuase my mind went to the worst case scenario. So sadly, I get it - and knew exactly what you meant.

    Any contractions? Ya never know, you could come home with a baby in two-to-three DAYS.

    Oh goodness Brooke, I am just so excited for you. I know this is scary as shit, but you're so very close.

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  4. I can not wait to see this baby. Seriously I'm so incredibly excited for you

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  5. Oh Brooke I laughed aloud reading this. It is amazing how our brains go to the worst case scenario. I have kept all receipt for anything I have purchased...in case. I loved the line "this is a communication fail." It made me chuckle. We have all been there.

    Keeping the four of you in my thoughts.

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  6. I have been thinking of you hitting that 37 weeks today off and on all day. So, so, so excited!
    When we found out Luke was a boy, we immediately went out and bought the tiniest boy preemie outfits that we could find. For like 2 lbers. Though at that time,even my doctors were hoping we'd just make it to 28 weeks. We ended up donating them to Maggie.
    I had mixed feelings on it but we ended up doing the Carter's layette "little brother" outfit for going home, they have little sister outfits too.
    And fyi, there is now a Buy Buy baby in ballwin, I need to go check it out soon. Dillards also had some nice newborn layette outfits. If you plan to do pics that first week and don't want the clothes to look too big, consider getting in preemie and newborn size. Luke at 7.4 lbs wore preemie clothes the first 2ish weeks or so.

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  7. Dude. I SO thought that's why he was asking too. Even after bringing home a live one, my mind is still warped, obvi. Geez

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  8. Uh, didn't occur to me either and I absolutely thought David was asking just in case... Tragedy. Wow. I'm more screwed up then I thought.

    Good job on overachieving, Deuce! Come out soon, mmmkay?

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  9. I didn't think of that either...but I had/have a huge hangup about the clothes.
    I actually used the phrase once, "well, I know how I am when babies die..." referring to my fear about the way one of my relationships might or had changed and my fear about my son's pregnancy. It was in therapy and it STILL sounded ridiculous.
    The world is a naive place...and while I wouldn't trade my lost daughter for anything I still miss living in that naive place sometimes. Baby stuff is so simple for those people.

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  10. Our minds jump to the worst case scenario because we've been through the worst case scenario. I don't think you're warped. I think you're really normal.

    Wishing and hoping for the best for you and little Deuce.

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  11. um yeah....ONE OF EACH! Pink and Blue :)

    2-3 weeks! holly cow! can you believe it? I have been thinking of you so much.

    This post cracked me up cuz I think we are all a little warped in the brain. I have a living child and my brain still goes worst case scenario!
    I can not wait to find out what sex that baby is and see that little Brooke nose in real photos!

    BIG HUGS!

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  12. Full term!!! Best buy those outfits soon!

    I thought of you today at B's 9 month well check. I had to fill out a form on his development and when the doctor went over it with me I over explained how well he was doing in every category. Eventually she said, "this is not a test, he's doing great."

    I see something like this happening in your future :)

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  13. YAY!
    Almost there!!! I am holding my breath for you and all my fingers crossed, waiting for your post that will announce the safe arrival of Deuce!
    Gosh, I can't wait to see photos of her/him. I think it's HIM.
    Lots of love
    Mariana

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  14. Ha - I didn't think of buying an outfit in both genders either. I'm with you - one outfit, gender neutral, cautiously packed with the tags left on. It's the Default Mechanism! And I would've gone to the same place with David's comment. I mean, EVERYTHING feels tenuous until that baby is breathing in your arms.
    But Sarah's plan is the non-trauma induced, rationale, common-sense one. Like you more or less said, "Duh". And "omg, how screwed up ARE we?!" But whatever - I don't care how crazy I am as long as there are living babies in our future!!
    Am so ready for the post-baby posts. Thinking of you lots.

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  15. Kohl's carries the cutest baby clothes. :)

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  16. Oh man, it's just so damn crazy those last few weeks! I get this post like it was yesterday.

    I remember a few weeks before Leo was born we were going through Stella's baby clothes, sorting what was gender neutral enough for a boy and what we should send to the thrift store. When it was all said and done, Kari packed up the box and then promptly labeled it, "0-3 months old, in case this baby lives."

    How can you not laugh at the incredulity of it all?

    PEACE and HOPE as you guys near little deuce's due date.

    J

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  17. Eeep...full term. You are in my thoughts, Brooke. These last few weeks span the entire range of human emotion, sometimes within the same hour. Know that we are here if you need an ear to bend, arms to hug, or a mouth to scream along.

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  18. Duh... I never would have thought of one outfit in each colour. (And yes, I thought the return question was "just in case.") I can't believe you are 37 weeks already -- although I know it must seem like an eternity already to you! Get thee to the mall again, pronto! ; )

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  19. wow..37 weeks - sounds amazing. Ya I am nodding in approval with what you thought about returning the clothes. But then I know hubbies don't doubt that much - I get a lecture on optimism almost every other day. And no it didn't occur to me that you could take both outfits! Guess, when you look at something from an overwhelmed emotional standpoint, you forget to reason/be logical?
    Hoping you have an utterly normal delivery blessing you with a screaming - crying - beautiful baby!

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  20. Yeah, another one who thought he was asking "just in case", so you're not alone.

    Yay to 37 weeks - I only made it to 37w5d w/George until I pleaded for him to come out...that last week was a killer for me. Hang in there.

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  21. Right there with you on the "just in case" - leaving the tags on baby stuff here in our house, and it's not because I'm scared the sizes are wrong.

    I guess buying both pink and blue outfits make the most sense, but it makes me mad that there aren't more good gender neutral options.

    Yay for making it to term! I'm there tomorrow :)

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  22. Can't wait to see whether it's the pink or the blue outfit! I've yet to find a gender-neutral outfit that I liked. Hang in there - not long to go! x

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  23. Have you heard of Skoon? They make baby clothes that you might like. I think you would have to order online, though, and they might not come soon enough! Tea Collection also has good stuff -- I think they both have grey as their most gender-neutral motif. (To be honest, shopping for both pink AND blue sounds super-fun so you can just disregard the suggestions!)

    I've been thinking of you lots and hoping things are still smooth sailing! Good vibes galore! XOXO

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  24. Full term! Fingers crossed!

    I have a feeling the next trip to find outfits will be a lot more fun. Though I'm sad you couldn't find the yellow polka dot jammie set - I wish things like that were more available.

    It's a hard mindset to get out of. Seriously, we had a few things people sent us as gifts and the one small package of diapers N brought home. And even then I kept looking at those diapers and thinking, "please let me open you."

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  25. You crack me up! Getting excited for you!

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  26. I'm delurking to say hi, and say yay for making it to 37 weeks. I can't wait to meet little Deuce.

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  28. I think buying something pink and something blue is a perfect solution. Let's face it, this baby deserves his or hers very own special outfit. Also I say keep both outfits, wash them and take them both. Then put both outfits in a special keepsake box. Someday the deuce will see what you bought anticipating which ever gender.

    Oh and for the record this seems to be the year of the boy because everyone I know irl has/had boys and most the people online as well, but I think even with all that the deuce is a girl. That's my official guess. Can't wait until s/he's here and we get to see a picture of Eliza's little brother or sister.

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  29. Yup, that's what we do - go to the worst case scenario. I'm always guilty of that. And the black humour as well.
    I'm so on edge for you guys, but also full to the brim with hope.
    Soon, dear Brooke. This will be so worth the wait.
    xo

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  30. hi honey - haven't been reading for a while, happy to hear everything is well and you are ready to go. meanwhile, this is pretty cute and you could prolly squeak an order in on time! xo http://www.etsy.com/listing/74263798/sunny-day-snap-suit-denyse-schmidt-katie

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  31. I can.not.wait. :)

    Come on our Deuce! We're waiting to meet you.

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  32. Thinking of you & Deuce. I can hardly wait to hear pink or blue.

    This post made me laugh, you have to love black humor. It's amazing the thoughts that become to seem natural.

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