Friday, February 10, 2012

Hide Your Crazy and Start Acting Like a Lady

Alternate Title:  Lose Your Shit and Scream Hysterically at Doctor

First let me say, we had our 20 week ultrasound this morning (actually 19 weeks and 5 days, but who's counting?  Oh, that's right I am.  And let's just say I know FOR SURE it's actually 19 weeks and 4 days but whatever.)  And everything looks fine.  We were told that the baby looks fine and everything looks good.

In fact, that's ALL we were told, which is why I couldn't hide my crazy, I did NOT act like a lady, and in fact I lost my shit and screamed hysterically at the doctor.  But let me start at the beginning...

For this ultrasound, my doctors sent me to the perinatal clinic in the hospital.  It's the high-tech ultrasound lab at the hospital, so the pictures are super clear and pretty amazing.  The way it works is that a tech does the ultrasound, then puts the pictures in the computer, then a doctor looks at the pictures, then the doctor usually comes in to chat with the patient.

This time, I told the tech right away that I'd lost my first baby and I was pretty anxious about this pregnancy, so if she could just talk us through each step, that would be great.  She said that she always explains what she's measuring, but she can't tell me if it's "normal" because she's not a doctor.  Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.

So she lubes up my belly and gets started.  We saw the baby wiggling around right away (the Deuce looks adorable, BTW, sweet little profile, great bone structure--that's my unprofessional opinion).  I was sort of hoping she'd announce, "Your baby is alive!" but I guess she took that for granted.  I, however, did not.

She went through all the measurements.  We saw all four chambers of the heart, the spine, the profile, all the organs, the brain (looked like a genius-brain to me), and whatever else they measure.  She measured the nuchal fold and I really wanted to know if that was normal, since we passed on having that scan in the first trimester.  However, I knew the tech couldn't answer questions like that, so I decided to save my inquiry for the doctor.

At the end of the ultrasound, she told me my fluid levels looked good (which was a relief, it had been a nagging worry because I know that can be an indication of a problem, can cause pre-term labor, etc.).  She also said the baby weighs 11 ounces.  Then she placed a towel over my belly and told me she'd go put my pictures in the computer.  I started to wipe off the goop and she told me not to--she said that sometimes the doctors want to take a look themselves and she never knows when they will want to, so to just wait.

Well, that scared me.  Also it was really uncomfortable.  And I remembered that Eliza weighed 13 ounces at this ultrasound (although maybe I had hers done at closer to 21 weeks, but still).  So I'm lying in the dim, slightly chilly room, with my stomach covered in a now-chilly goop, that's drying out and feeling disgusting.  And I'm worrying.

Several minutes went by, and I realized that I was also feeling really annoyed.  There was no reason for me to lie there for twenty minutes with cold, sticky goop on my stomach.  They could just re-goop me up when the doctor came in if they needed to.  Plus, I had to pee.  This was ridiculous.

So after fifteen minutes, I'd finally had enough.  I wiped up the goop with a towel, went to the bathroom, and came back out.  (This was kind of a huge deal because I usually don't defy medical authority--I want to follow all the rules so that this baby is okay!)

When I came out, the doctor was there.  He was an older gentleman, and I will confess that I already knew him by reputation, and his reputation was not especially good.  Specifically, I'd heard he had a terrible bedside manner.  However, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially when he said, "The baby looks good!  Everything is fine.  Do you have any questions?"

I said, "Well, yes, actually.  I have LOTS of questions."

I started with my fluid level.  He said, "It looks good.  Everything looks fine."

OK. Great.  But NOT the answer I'm looking for.  I ALREADY HEARD YOU SAY THAT.  Now I want a specific report.  I want a number I can hold on to.  I want to know everything that you know.  That's why I'm ASKING QUESTIONS.

However, I recognize that he is the expert here, so I take another approach.  I asked how the baby was measuring, whether the growth was right on target.

The doctor--I shit you not--ROLLED HIS EYES and said, in quite possibly the most condescending tone possible, as though I were just really dense, "Let me try this again.  The baby looks good!  Everything is fine."

And that's when I lost my shit.

First of all, I hate nothing more than being patronized.  I would rather a doctor talk over my head with medical jargon and allow me to ask, "What does that mean?  How do you spell that?  Can you explain this?" than to condescend to me like I am too stupid to understand what he understands.  I could have gone to med school (if the sight of needles didn't make me faint).  Just because my doctorate is not in MEDICINE does NOT mean that I am an idiot and I do NOT want to be talked to like I am one.  

Second, I've been worked up about this ultrasound for weeks.  I was already wound up pretty tight before this guy walked in the room.  I was scared.  I was cold.  I was left alone (with David) for twenty minutes with goop on my stomach.  I was TERRIFIED that something could be wrong.  I know that the twenty week ultrasound can be an indicator for problems with growth, for genetic abnormalities, for cysts or masses on the baby, and for issues with my uterus/cervix/placenta, for problems that have no indication until that twenty week ultrasound.  So I wanted detailed information.  I wanted him to go through the results with me step by step.  I wanted to feel fully informed about everything (except the gender).  I did not want a snarky, vague reply.

Third, he had JUST ASKED ME if I had any questions.  Now it felt like he was evading my questions and being a smug asshole about it.

So I was anxious.  I was upset.  I was scared.  I was pissed off.  And so I said, as calmly as possible, "I would like to talk to someone else."

Except I didn't say it very calmly.  I was shaking and I'd started to cry and my voice was all trembly.

The doctor seemed confused (like he really thought his smart-ass answers were sufficient?) and he said AGAIN that everything was fine.

So then I said (and by said, I kind of mean screamed), "I understand that!  But my first baby DIED and you are not answering my questions!  I want to talk to the other doctor!"

He told me he was the only doctor there, which I knew was a TOTAL LIE because I'd already asked the tech which doctors were on duty and she'd told me both their names.  I couldn't BELIEVE he was lying to me and suddenly I was off the deep end.  We were all SWIMMING in my crazy.

I started yelling, and I mean YELLING, "You are making me uncomfortable!  I want to talk to Dr. Martin!  I want my questions answered!"  And I was sobbing.  I kept yelling, I'm not even sure what I was saying, I just kept insisting that he get Dr. Martin, whom my tech had said was there (I had no idea who Dr. Martin was, but I figured he or she was better than this guy).  I was yelling loud enough that it hurt my throat.  I was so loud that I'm sure the people in the rooms on either side of me could hear everything.  Probably the people waiting in the lobby, too.  Quite possibly the people in the parking garage.

Once I requested the other doctor by name (calling him out in his big fat lie), he started backpedaling.  As in, he literally started backing away from me with his arms up in front of him, like I might physically attack him if David weren't holding me back (David was rubbing my back nervously and possibly considering putting me in one of the restraints he sometimes has to use on students who totally flip out).  So then this doctor, as he backed toward the door, admitted that Dr. Martin was with another patient but he'd have her come see me when she was finished.  And I think he said he was sorry for whatever he said to upset me, although maybe I'm being generous.  And he continued to back out the door.

When he was gone, I completely burst into tears and sobbed all over David's sweater.  Then the tech came rushing back in (I didn't even hear her enter the room because I was crying so loudly) and she also started rubbing my back and asking me what was wrong when everything looked fine on my ultrasound.  She wanted to know if she'd said anything to upset me.  I was crying so hard I could barely talk to her, and I wanted to tell her she shouldn't have freaking left me with cold ultrasound goop drying on my belly, but I was trying to focus on taking deep breaths and pulling myself together.

(I just want to emphasize that although I readily admit that I can be emotional and somewhat high strung, I have NEVER flipped out like that in public before.  I almost always can hold it together until I have some privacy.  I do not like to cry in front of strangers.  Especially a flip-out ugly cry where the veins stand out on my neck as I scream.  Even in the hospital when Eliza died, I never had like a screaming meltdown--of course, at that time, no one talked me like a self-important, condescending asshole).

Right at this moment, Dr. Martin arrived (thrilled to be personally requested by a hysterical patient, I'm sure).  She seemed a little confused by why I was so upset (weren't we all?) and she repeated that everything looked fine.  OMG I KNOW.  TELL ME MORE.  So then she told me specifically that growth was exactly on target and that she saw no indicators of any genetic abnormalities.  I asked about the nuchal fold and she repeated that from what they could tell from this ultrasound, there were no indications of an abnormality.  (But at least I knew we were talking specifically about the nuchal measurement, you know?)

I was also anxious about some numbers that I'd caught a glimpse of on the screen (that no one had discussed or explained to me, because why should I be INFORMED about my own pregnancy?) so then she pulled up that screen and talked me through each of the specific measurements and explained how they calculate the average gestational age.  I was scared because the print-out said that the baby measured at 19weeks 2 days, but I'm supposed to be 19 weeks 5 days, and I know that measuring behind can be an indication of a growth restriction.  Dr. Martin assured me that the growth was not a concern at all, and explained how they calculate that average based on several measurements (some of which were slightly ahead, some of which were slightly behind), and said that this average was perfectly on target.  By the time she was finished, I felt much better, although I was still shaky and kind of teary.

David kept rubbing my back (I think he was as shocked as they were that I had completely freaked out) and he said to the doctor, "She's just scared.  She just wants the baby to be okay."

Dr. Martin nodded and told me to focus on the fact that everything looks good so far, and they would see me in another four weeks.  I managed to say, "Lucky you!" which made her laugh.

Then she left and the tech said quietly that she'd write on my chart that I wasn't to see the other doctor anymore.

When she left the room, David whispered to me, "I bet that's not the only thing they're writing on your chart!"

Yeah.  Well.  There was no hiding my crazy today.  It exploded all over that doctor, all over the ultrasound room, all over David's sweater, and all over my eye make-up.  The irony is that if something were wrong, I don't think I would have flipped out like that at all.  Because they probably would have given me much more specific information!  I just could not handle the frustration of getting such vague replies in answer to my questions, like because they thought it all looked fine, my inquiries were superficial or unimportant or a waste of time.  It was absolutely infuriating.  I mean, I KNOW that they are busy and that they see a lot of patients.  But still!  It is their JOB not just to look at my information, but to discuss it with me.  And after what we've been through, I feel justified in demanding a little extra time, a little special treatment.

But I'm still a little astonished that I literally threw a freaking crying screaming tantrum because I just DON'T DO stuff like that.  I either try to assert myself politely (using my best professorial tone) or I seethe quietly and bitch (and blog) about it later. I just wanted specific answers and right now nothing--not my dignity, not my pride, not what anyone thinks of me--matters more than knowing exactly what is going on with this baby.

So really, I only regret my meltdown because I'm not sure that I clearly communicated to the doctor what he had done to make me so upset (perhaps I should send a follow-up note?).

At any rate, after my screaming fit, I scheduled another appointment (the receptionist asked me if I had a cold because I was slightly hoarse from screaming), I sat for a few minutes in lobby with David while I calmed down, then I mopped up my eye make-up, drove to campus, gave two lectures on Oedipus the King, and now I am totally exhausted.

And to think I believed that not finding out the gender would make the twenty week ultrasound LESS exciting.

But the IMPORTANT thing is that the Deuce appears to be doing well!  And my placenta, which I'd been told was up top and slightly anterior, has evidently shifted to the back as my uterus has grown. So I'm starting to feel little flutter kicks, which is pretty much the best feeling ever.

Come on, Deuce.  I just need you to get here, alive and healthy.  Before Mama has to go batshit crazy on too many more healthcare professionals.


  1. Oh my goodness, so, so, SO many hugs from Texas. I would have been so annoyed with that doctor too. He sounds like a total jerk. It doesn't matter what your previous experience with pregnancy is, he should be willing to discuss results IN DETAIL.

    I love that David stuck up for you and that everything is fine. THAT is great news!

  2. Lmao!!!!! Laughing bc I am so glad u freaked out on him, not laughing at the situation. What an asshole. I hope that I would have done the same in that situation as he deserved it!!! Glad Deuce looks great!

  3. Good for you, Brooke! Some doctors are so self-absorbed and treat everyone as if they are minions.

    I freaked out and screamed/yelled/cried when I had my 3 hour glucose screening because I had to wait for an hour to even be seen, which was going to make me late for my check up appointment upstairs. I was totally embarrassed at the time, but couldn't control it. BUT, when you are pregnant, sometimes, you just can't help it, especially when you are scared shitless in the first place and have to deal with assholes.

  4. I was thinking the same thing about writing on your chart. That's not the only thing. ;)

    My friend, this shit is hard. Period. Any doctor who won't entertain your crazy deserves the crazy. Also, because you were at a high-risk specialist doctor, one would ASSUME that they would know how to have better bedside manner and handle all the questions we have. I'll admit, I was just talking with E about this yesterday at our own Peri's office. There are 4 doctors in the office and I like 1 out of the 3 I've met. The other two don't seem very confident and almost look timid or bothered that I'm there. Like, hello! YOU chose this specific field of medicine where you deal with women who struggle and have dead babies. At least get a grip and understand that, you doofus.

    Anyway, don't be ashamed. This baby needs a mother willing to fight. No one cares more (obviously) than you do. That doctor clearly had you as a number and a chart. But this child is yours.

  5. Aw Brooke. I DREAD to think what is written on some of my medical notes. You are entitled to be as crazy as you so desire. Truly. And I certainly would never have been able to go forth from being a crazy lady at the hospital to. . .erm. . . go and give a couple of lectures about Oedipus. I bow down before you!

    I work with medical doctors all day, everyday. And I am not a medical doctor. And yes, they do tend to assume that anyone who is not a medical doctor has only two brain cells to rub together. It can be so frustrating.

    But the good news is that Deuce is ok and you are ok. Long may that state continue. Hang on in there xo

  6. Oh, God, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I just don't get what makes some doctors think that because they're the "medical professionals," they don't owe those of us who lost our babies SO MUCH MORE information than they give "normal" pregnant women. We're not stupid, we've been around the wrong side of the block and have no reason to really believe anything other than what we already know, which is dead babies, devastation, ruined lives. I'm so glad you won't have to see that guy anymore.

    And, the "Lucky you" comment totally made me laugh.

    Hugs, honey. Hope you're able to relax a bit this evening and shake of what sounds like an absolutely horrid experience.

  7. Way to go, Brooke. That doctor deserved to see some bat shit craziness. Honestly, how horrible would you have felt if you had just left it the vague "everything's fine" comment? And good for you for getting up and wiping that stuff off. Must have felt good :) I think camping out in my doctor's office for the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy probably caused a few notes in my chart. Thank God it's the same doctor we had before and no one really cares when I break down in the waiting room anymore. I hope you can relax tonight, sending big hugs!! Soooo happy they were able to explain just HOW alive and healthy the Deuce is!

  8. So. Many. Things. Oh my god. I realize that this was probably very hard for you to write, as it was about a traumatic experience that you are embarassed about, but dear god you did it fantastically. "suddenly I was off the deep end. We were all SWIMMING in my crazy." was AWESOME. I want to steal half of this it is so well written. No joke. I won't though. That's rude.

    My 'favorite' deliver the bad news doctor was blunt and unemotional, there was no arm pats or sad poor you eyes. She said; I know this is an awful time for you, but here is the information. And she gave it, all of it. Because that's what is needed. "Everything will be fine." makes me feel violent. Just the facts here please.

    You had EVERY right to be upset, and you absolutely handled it the best you could. Don't spare that doctor another moment of concern, because he obviously wasn't sparing you any.

  9. I had to see a Peri with Liam since he showed signs of hydrocephalus. The Peri I saw for it didn't tell me shit. She was an hour late for my appt, granted I understand she has other appts, but then when she got there never explained to me how serious my sons condition was. She finished up with me and then had to leave to do a c-section. I had to find out the next day how bad everything was from my Ob dr. calling the next day asking how I am handling the bad news.
    For this pregnancy I seen a Peri right away for the 20 week scan but did not see that same one. I have since heard many people say what horrible bedside manner she has. The new one I am seeing has been awesome. She talks to me about every little concern I have and even went as far as calling the Peri I saw at UCSF when I had the fetal surgery on my son and did a whole bunch of research for me and my situation.
    So I guess what I am saying is there are some pretty bad ones out there and it makes you wonder why they went into that profession if they act like they don't care, but also there are some really good ones out there(like dr. martin) and hopefully she will work out better and be more understanding to your needs. Just sucks you had to deal with that jerk first.

  10. Oh, goodness. First of all, you asked some very reasonable questions, and that first doctor treated you badly and with a kind of arrogance that probably isn't uncommon in the medical profession, but is still really, really irritating. Like you're supposed to believe everything looks okay just because some guy you don't know very well (who lies to you, because that's reassuring) says so. I like to hope that maybe you helped that first doctor figure out that pregnancy after a loss is a seriously stressful time and that patients' backgrounds and experiences should be taken seriously.

    So glad The Deuce is looking good, and that the second doctor was willing to treat you like an adult. Hope you have a very restful weekend, and that the flutter kicks keep coming.

  11. Wow, what a story. I'm sorry that they weren't willing to give you the treatment you deserved, and caused you such anxiety.

    You sort of had the opposite problem from our 20-week ultrasound, which was stressful in an entirely different way.

    We were seeing a high-risk OB because my wife has PCOS. Later I would interpret this to mean, "They try too hard to find interesting things on ultrasounds," but that may just be me overthinking it.

    Our tech told us the sex, and repeatedly answered our questions of, "Does that look normal" with "Yes, everything looks fine." So we spent the period waiting for the doctor relaxing.

    Then the doctor came in, and she and the tech conferred in hushed tones over our images. This freaked us out. Then they told us our baby might have a club foot, but they couldn't be sure and we needed to come back in a few days to get a second look.

    We spent the intervening days researching club foot, it's totally not that big of a deal, but it is an early sign of more pressing issues. We headed into the second US nervous, but basically upbeat.

    This time, we got a new tech. This woman said, "Yeah, that one is real bad, and the other one doesn't look great either." Two clubbed feet is more worrisome, because it's more closely linked to genetic disorders. She proceded to run her mouth, and say things like, "You know, this one is so far around, I think it might be on backward." We thought this sounded impossible, but while she was out of the room I found images of babies born in China with backward feet.

    The doctor came in and said the foot wasn't backward, but it was definitely severely clubbed. The other one, maybe a little, too. He recommended an amnio. So we did that, and had some genetic screening done, all out of pocket. The weeks we were waiting on those results were a mess.

    We spent the rest of the pregnancy getting ready for a club foot -- we met a pediatric orthopedist, we bought all pajamas without feet (for nighttime braces), we learned about Mia Hamm and Troy Aikman.

    Our baby has normal feet.

    You would probably rather be given a phantom club foot to think about than not have enough information. A club foot is no big deal, they fix it, and by like five no one even knows it happened. It certainly doesn't cause the kind of anxiety in a pregnancy that a previous loss does.

    But the people who read ultrasounds, they're dopes like the rest of us. They say things they shouldn't, they see things that aren't there, they try to make you feel better and sometimes fuck it up.

    I'm sure your chart doesn't say, "Crazy person." It probably says, "Cares deeply about child, wishes not to be treated like one." I hope the rest of your visits are more reassuring than stressful.

  12. Good on you for giving it to him, hopefully he'll think twice next time about how he approaches this situation so someone else doesn't have to deal with his arrogance.

    And you've just proven you are already a fantastic mum to this little one - you're sticking up for them and making sure they are ok!

    Keep growing healthy and strong little one.

  13. I just at a loss for why someone who should "know better" would be so bad. You deserved someone to sit and answer every.single.question no matter how big or how small with every single detail they could think of. The fact that you didn't get that just baffles me. You are not some "first time happy-go-lucky mom" and you should be treated as someone who knows more...more than you should EVER know. You want us all to write angry letters to this doctor...I bet a bunch of us would happily volunteer :)

    I am glad to hear that things are well with the Deuce or at least that they had no "new" worries to give you, but wow that appointment could have gone so differently! I was a mess at mine too, but for different reasons (we were canclled on as we walked though the door) I just don't think they have any idea how much stress we carry for that (and every), but especially THAT appointment. Gender is not even in the top ten!

  14. I am very glad that the Deuce looks great!
    And I am sorry your day was such a disaster. It sounds awful (not dead baby awful, but awful nonetheless--there is no language to describe dead baby awful...)

    I'm glad the second doc was better, but perhaps there is another office you could go to next time?
    If you feel so inclined (I'd be surprised if you hadn't already written a long letter in your head), I would write to the terrible doc. Not because he deserves it, but because you do. What a jackass!
    I hope they at least gave you cute pictures of your baby perfection!

  15. Oh Brooke I had to laugh out loud while reading this.. mostly because I TOTALLY get it and I think you had every right to go ballistic on the Dr- the eye rolling probably would have bought him a slap in the face if I had been in your shoes.
    You did the right thing- you did not accept his ass like arrogance and you demanded another physician. If I could tell you how many times my life (since Cullen's death) could have gone differently if I had accepted the shit some other Dr's said.. too many times- so many that I might not be here today if I had accepted their crap.
    I hope you get the red carpet treatment next time.. you deserve it mamma.

  16. Laughing and crying with you. You are totally excused from your "behavior". I wish the doctor would have been more sensitive to your situation. Hugs and support...

  17. You are due a freak out. Love that you said, "lucky you."

    I'm very lucky in my OB, not quite as much in the perinatologist. She always identifies and explicitly shows me cardiac activity at the start of each ultrasound before she goes onto whatever she's doing. And she's encouraged me in reading of medical textbooks to increase my knowledge and just has been great.

    The perinatologist I've only seen once this time, so trying not to judge too much yet, but he basically acted like the OB and I were both a little crazy to be concerned.

  18. I need to email you this because I thought of a few more details about this doctor to add and it's just easier to use names, but two things:

    1)David is right, I bet your chart does say something like you are crazy, but in a nicer way than "crazy". When we were TTC and I saw one fertility pseudo-clinic (the lady running it was not even a doctor but a RN), she made a comment in my chart that I was still "extremely emotional" about losing Olivia and made it sound like it was abnormal/crazy. (This was also only like 8 months out and my first time seeing someone for fertility specifically.)

    2)I don't think your chart at the perinatal center is the same chart as the one in the MFM office. They do send them the report of measurements, etc. so feel free to ask your MFM about any of that again if you want. (And your OB too!) But I'm pretty sure they don't pull the "chart" back and forth. Still, I would mention what happened to your MFM so she knows what the problem was and can help you avoid that jerk in the future (like tell you what days to schedule, etc.)

    Emailing you in a few minutes.

  19. You go on with your crazy self you protective mama bear you! Doctors like that need a good dose of reality every once in awhile and I'm glad you gave it to him.

    I had to see this awful MFM for the first part of my pregnancy with Finn - she fortunately was bad enough that she got fired, but she had horrible bedside manner and my pregnancy was so matter of fact - just science and black and white. No emotion involved and in infuriated me. I decided to stop going there, but then they canned her and my faith was restored in the MFM here in town.

    But congrats on the good, GREAT, news that came out of today - that the baby is healthy and looks perfect and is right where s/he should be. Because that is a big deal and that is wonderful.

  20. Isn't it surprising what we don't know is in us? The wound is so deep that I kind of expect that we will flip out and surprise ourselves.
    NO doctor should EVER roll his eyes at a patient. Period.
    The part that makes me the maddest is the waiting with the goop. That is REALLY f-ed up. They should change their protocol. Let's face it, the longer you sit around with nothing but your thoughts in such a charged situation, the more likely you are to lose your shit.
    Looking forward to your next look at the Deuce.

  21. The good news is of course the Deuce is looking good. The bad news is people are really stupid.

    I don't know about you but I am not bilingual in Stupidity. I mean it people are truly stupid. How many times till we get through this process will we have to deal with stupid people? It is getting old already.

    I am glad you yelled and requested another doctor. They need to understand that you deserve some understanding.

    I had my problems today too and you know we measured at 19 weeks 5 days. But the tech did tell us that the measurements fluctuate from each machine, sometimes anywhere from a few days to a week. So we are sticking with June 30th as the due date.

    20 more weeks. Lets hope our sanity holds on.

  22. Give that doctor (and any other who needs it) hell! This is YOUR pregnancy, YOUR baby and YOUR concern. They can like it or lump it. End of story.

  23. So many, many many many many hugs being sent your way. I totally understand, and do NOT think you are any sort of crazy, whatsoever.

    We had a somewhat similar thing happen at my 20 week ultrasound, where the tech got all sorts of quiet and serious, took a ton of measurements, "had to go talk with the doctor, stay right here," and then came back like 15 minutes later and said, "OK, your doctor is going to call you."

    What???? Call me? No. I needed to know RIGHT THEN what they were talking about. But the tech had already left. E and I were all sorts of upset and I basically called my perinatologist on the drive home, sobbing, asking what they could possibly have meant, I was so nervous! My peri called me back like 15 minutes later, the u/s was totally normal, the tech had just seen my hematoma (which I had TOLD HIM was there and I knew about, but still).

    Sorry to ramble, other than to say I can totally relate.

    And I'm so glad, so very very glad that all looks well with The Deuce, and that you're beginning to feel those flutter kicks. YAY!

  24. First -- what is it about peris? I was sent to one for our ultrasounds and my doctor told me that practice isn't known for good bedside manner.

    Second -- totally awesome of you to stand up to that doctor and give him the what for. Totally proud and impressed!

  25. Good for you! I bet that doctor will think twice before rolling his eyes at a bereaved mother (or, dare we hope, at any patient?) who asks reasonable questions again.

  26. I would have freaked out too. And to be treated like your questions were silly or inappropriate is obscene. I can.not.believe he rolled his eyes, terrible bedside manor for sure- so glad you called him on it.

    I'm also glad Duece is looking good and the other mom was able to break the measurements down for you.

    I did laugh at the hoarse voice- sounds so much like something I would do.. Lol

  27. Grief and hormones make us do strange things. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The doc was a condescending jerk, and he should have treated you with more respect. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But I do understand.

  28. Well you got me all worked up and crying. I was so frustrated for you. The thing is, I AM A MEDICAL professional and I can really see and know a lot about an ultrasound but don't know what normal fluid levels and such are....I ALWAYS want more than less information. You should see me with my patients blathering on about what it is I find on evaluation and during treatment. Unless they tell me they don't care, I give more information because more is generally better....BUT DAMN your last baby died...AND HE ROLLED HIS FUCKING EYES AT YOU....I wanted to rip his eyeballs out when I read that.

    I am so glad you got someone to give you real answers to your questions. Sending so much love to you.

  29. My chart has a red sticker on it. I literally think it means "crazy lady, tread carefully". I had almost the EXACT same scenario when preg with Angus (and Juliet come to think of it). There were only a handful of doctors I could tolerate seeing. Same with ultrasound technicians. I flipped out so much, I wouldn't even let the lowly technician DO the ultrasound. I had them bring the doctor in, because I couldn't handle the fact they couldn't answer any of my "is that normal" questions. I asked that question, many, many times.
    I just want to give you a hug, as you've reminded me (not like I could ever forget) just how damn hard this really is. Swimming in the crazy with you, Brooke.

  30. Well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. ; ) Dh & I spent TEN HOURS in an emergency waiting room a few years ago. I started bleeding on day 19 of my cycle. I had no idea what was going on -- miscarriage?? (It just turned out to be a wonky period, but how was I to know that?) It was a Sunday & we decided to go get me checked out. I asked him NOT to take me to the local hospital, because we'd heard all kinds of horror stories about it from our support group members. So we went to another hospital not too far away that we'd heard good things about. Oh, the irony! They saw a guy with a broken toe way ahead of me. I mean, I'm sure it was painful, but hello, people, I am BLEEDING here with no known cause; doesn't that count for anything??

    We finally only got seen because dh stood in the doorway and loudly told me to get dressed (we did make it into an examination room after about 7 hours), we were leaving, & if something happened to me, we'd sue the hospital's ass. That brought someone running in a hurry ; ) & when I started talking, I broke down & sobbed & sobbed. I told them I had WANTED to come to this hospital because I'd heard such good things, but had I known what I was in for, I would never have set foot in the place. I'm sure they put "hysterical perimenopausal infertile woman" on my chart.

    But I am glad all is well with Deuce. And I'm sure your file has been flagged for future visits!

  31. Just found your blog by googling stressful non stress test. Just wanted to say I don't know you or your story but you write well and I think you were within your rights. I bet you made that doctor think twice about his attitude, and maybe you helped the next mama to cross his path.

    Meantime, I always seem to have "issues' that are raised by ultrasound. There's always something to stress about, and I don't think I hvae the history that you do, adding to my stress.

    Be well, and I hope your pregnancy and any future ones went well.

  32. Hi Brooke, just sneaking back to read some old blogs while Ben plays on his own for once. At 21 weeks now, it's helpful for me to read this and know where you are now. You are providing hope, my friend!

    I hope you can look back on this episode and laugh and also hope you never saw that idiot doctor again. He is making my MFM seem awesome.