Angel of Hope

Here in the St. Louis area, there is a park with a special area devoted to families who want to honor the children they've lost.  There is a beautiful statue of there called the Angel of Hope.  Every winter, they hold a candlelight vigil there in memory of the children we miss so much.

via the Share website

The tradition is that when you visit the angel, you leave a white flower in memory of your child.

The angel is surrounded by a brick patio, with paths that lead around the garden.  You can order bricks through Share and have your child's name engraved on them.

We did this last January, still in a daze of grief.  I remember stressing out because Eliza has a pretty long name (twenty letters plus two spaces!) and I didn't know how I'd get her whole name on the brick, plus her birthdate, plus some short phrase about how much we loved her.

I wanted to write "Our Baby Duck" on the brick, because before she was Eliza, she was still our Baby Duck.

I wanted to write "We love you and miss you forever."

I wanted to write, "I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry."

I wanted to write, "My heart is broken and I don't know how I am supposed to keep going without you."

I wanted to write, "I wish I'd died instead of you."

I had to put something perfect.  Something that expressed everything I felt and showed the world how much we loved her.  And something that was no more than 15 characters, counting spaces.

After fretting about this for days, David finally told me to just stick with her name and date.  After all, we couldn't fit our love for her on a brick.  It was impossible.

So Eliza's little brick just has her name and birthdate.  Almost all the others have a sentimental message, but there was nothing we could have added that would have been enough.

A dear friend of mine visited the park yesterday.  She left a pink and white rose for my Eliza, and she sent me this picture:

Oh, Baby Duck. I would have done anything to keep you here with us.  I could pave the entire park world with bricks saying how much we love you and miss you.  And it still wouldn't be enough.