I'm hot then I'm cold,
I'm yes then I'm no,
I'm in then I'm out,
I'm up then I'm down.
I'm butchering Katy Perry lyrics in my head.
Remember last summer, when Monica's fourteen year old cousin told me I look like Katy Perry? Favorite compliment of my life. I could talk about it for years. Maybe it was because I was wearing this outfit:
Anyway. Good days and bad days have sort of lost their meaning for me. I'm back to hour by hour. Hot/cold. Yes/no. Good/bad. Functioning/sobbing. Energetic/exhausted.
On Monday night, I'd had dinner and was feeling pretty good and had every intention of meeting up for a bit with some friends at a nearby pub to celebrate one of my friends passing her dissertation defense.
By 8pm, my chest was heavy and my stomach hurt and I am not sure I would have had the energy to make myself get off the couch if the house were on fire. So, yeah. Didn't make it to that celebration.
The highs are higher, the lows are still low, but when they run at you back to back like that, it's kind of unnerving.
* * *
I was flipping through a magazine with cake pictures and recipes. David suggested that we make one cake per month to try them all out.
I said we don't have anything to celebrate, so why would we want a cake?
He said we don't need to celebrate. We can just eat cake and be sad. But at least there would be cake!
I said, Meh. Maybe when I fit back into my True Religions. Without a muffin top.
* * *
Today I walked Cooper in the park. I had to have a Pollyanna moment.
Most of the time, I try to keep myself from thinking too much about what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
I sleep in late and I try not to think that I'm supposed to be getting up to feed a baby.
I go to yoga and I try not to think that I'm supposed to be going to mommy and me yoga.
I walk in the park and try not to think I'm supposed to be pushing a stroller (that pretty red stroller that we had already purchased and put together--so confident!).
You can imagine how successful I am at not thinking.
Hint: not very.
You remember that part in Pollyanna when she desperately wants a doll but instead she gets sent a pair of crutches? And she says that's okay, at least she doesn't need the crutches?
I was more along the lines of "OK. I'm supposed to be walking while pushing a stroller. But at least I can still walk! Walking is good! It's like better than sitting here crying!"
You know that things have gotten really shitty when you're so freaking Pollyanna that you're no longer taking walking for granted. Appreciating the small things. Yeah, yeah. I'm like the Olympic gold medalist in that event.
And still kinda bitter about it. Where is my opportunity to be smug and entitled and self-satisfied? What happened to THAT life plan? Where is my chance to cast the pitying glances and say "Bless her heart" about some other poor sod, instead of knowing that people are thinking that about ME? I never signed up to be Pollyanna! Why aren't I taking my baby and her jogging stroller for granted as I stroll through the park instead of telling myself to be grateful I can freaking WALK?
I really hope this whole experience doesn't transform me into someone so nice and kind and compassionate and peaceful and hopeful and Pollyanna-like that no one can stand to be around me. (I can already hear my brother saying, "I don't think you really need to worry about that.")
* * *
David's grandparents are here for the weekend. We are all currently watching Days of Our Lives. David and I do not ever watch Days. David's grandparents call it their "story" and they watch it everyday.
His grandma just explained to me, Stefano was dead but is now alive again! (Yes, I'm totally wondering why the laws of nature do not apply to soap opera villains). Also she reports that he's now doing to some guy named Ray what he formerly did to some dude named John, which is steal their mind and lock them in a mental hospital and send some sort of lookalike replacement out into the world.
And now I'm wondering why we don't watch this show...
* * *
It's Easter weekend. I decided I wanted to do something nice in memory of Eliza for Easter. As I've said before, I was so appreciative of the donations that many of our friends and family made in memory of Eliza to various charities and organizations. Last month, when I donated to the Red Cross relief effort for the disaster in Japan, I made the donation in memory of Eliza. I liked typing her name.
So yesterday I made a donation to an UMCOR charity called Nothing But Nets. UMCOR is the United Methodist Committee On Relief. I like making donations to them because their administrative costs are paid by Methodist churches through tithes and fundraising, so 100% of donations to UMCOR go to relief efforts.
Nothing But Nets is an organization that donates treated nets that a family in Africa can put over their beds to protect them from malaria carrying mosquitoes. I happen to hate mosquitoes, even though they feed birds and are presumably important to the ecosystem. (I would venture to say are they really that important? Like maybe we could just eradicate them completely and see if nature can strike a new balance?) I get more bug bites than anyone I know. My blood is like crack cocaine to mosquitoes. And it's hard to believe that what is hardly more than an irritation or inconvenience to me is potentially life-threatening for some people. The idea of giving away mosquito nets treated with insect repellent seems so simple, but it's such an important effort. And $10 buys a net that could potentially save a child's life.
So I bought one today in memory of Eliza. Such a little thing that can make a big difference.
(Kind of like violets breaking through rocks. Or me trying to kill off the entire mosquito population, one squished bug at a time.)
If you're interested in buying a net in memory or honor of someone you love, you can click here.
If you're interested in what happened on Days of Our Lives, you'll have to ask David's grandma. I really have no idea.