Monday, December 13, 2010

Both Sides Now

One thing about Kate's speech that really struck me was the way that I, too, have always felt lucky.  Lucky to have such a great husband, such a great family, such great friends.  Lucky in a way that marveled at the way things--no matter how much I worried, fretted, or fussed--always worked out in the end.

Don't get me wrong--I always worried and fretted and stressed about things.  And David always assured me that everything would work out in the end.  And it always did.

Until now. 

And the one thing that didn't work out?  The one thing that isn't ok? 

It's the only thing that matters.

The only thing that matters at all.

As David pointed out, it's also the only thing we had absolutely no control over. 

Because if we had been able to control it--any of it--we would have made sure that everything worked out.  Perfectly.  She would be here.  I would be holding her.  She would know how much we love her.  And we wouldn't feel so broken.

I'm not lucky anymore. 

I've looked at life from both sides now, just like Joni Mitchell says.

And all I know is that I don't understand any of it.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

6 comments:

  1. I have been thinking about you and David constantly since yesterday. I am so, so sorry this happened. I so wish there was something I could do to help you guys. Words seem so inadequate.

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  2. hey brooke. i found you from glow.

    i'm so very very sorry to hear that you have lost your beautiful baby eliza. it shouldn't have happened to you. it shouldn't happen to anyone.

    there is a community of people out there who have had similar experiences to yours. rest assured that we will sit with you and be with you while you nagivate this grief.

    sending love.

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  3. Brooke, I have also been thinking of you nonstop. I would love to help you in any way I possibly can. Please email me (harrytimesjackedup@gmail.com) and tell me what I can do. Even if you just need someone to listen, I am happy to help.

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  4. I also saw your post at Glow and wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Like you, I lost my first, a beautiful baby girl, for unknown reasons at 36 weeks. It's such an awful reality that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I am so sorry it happened to you. I wish you peace during the weeks, months and years to come.

    L's Mother

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  5. In this really twisted way, I am so glad that you can have these voices to join with yours...because they understand your breaking heart in a way that you so desperately deserve. We love you and are thinking of you every second. See you soon.

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  6. hi brooke,
    i'm here from glow too. and I will say it here too - I am so, so, so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter eliza. there are lots of grieving mamas who have been incredible support for me (I'm only three months out from losing my firstborn son on 9/13). keep breathing. that's all you have to do today.

    sending strength and love,
    sarah

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